Faded (College AU)
by loserwriterperson
Summary: That day came upon like the worst hurricane to destroy two young souls who could have had so much more. Will they remember that they promised to meet again? Will they be able to deal with situations to unveil the harsh truth?
1. Another Start

Lexa's POV  
"Hurry up, loser ! Don't want to be late for first day of college", my brother Alec yelled from the driving seat.  
"Yeah just a second..", I whispered to myself as I ran my fingers over my journal. Did I want to take this with me? It had all my feelings of all these years written in it. Did I want to let go as yet? I couldn't just leave it and let my aunt find it. I took a deep breath closing my eyes as I shoved the book in my bag and ran out.

Sitting down in the car to see Alec jamming to Black Eyed Peas, really?  
He sensed my disapproval to his music taste and drove rolling his eyes.

An hour later we arrived at East High College and boy was I nervous already. The huge building had red flags symbolising wildcats as their mascot.  
I stepped out and slammed the door shut.  
"Whoa..easy, this baby ain't cheap", Alec stroked the hood of this car.  
"Yeah, I-just, sorry", I said shaking my head and wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans.  
Alec walked over to me and handed me my suitcase, yeah thanks I get it I'll carry my own shit. Walking over to the office we recieved our schedules, dorm locations and college extra curricular actives routine. Wow, they really had the year planned.  
"Here's your room", Alec whispered turning the knob to open the door.  
"Thanks", I managed to choke out as I walked in and set my bags on the bed.  
The room was a nice shade of blue and the windows had a black frame. Two beds placed divided the room into somewhat two equal territories, a side table and a small lamp placed over it, lastly there was a long study table which had a vase on it, empty. I noticed another suitcase that didn't belong to either Alec or I. I figured that would be my roommate.  
"Okay, my dorm is in the other tower that is probably not so far away from here.", Alec furrowed his thick eyebrows in confusion.  
"You suck at maps as much as I do", I say as I walk over and glance at the paper. Yikes.  
"I'm still smarter than you so yeah, bye!", he said as he shut the door and left me standing alone in the middle of the peculiar smelling room.  
I followed the smell, a fruity scent took me towards the bathroom. Suddenly, the door opened to show a boy who was almost as tall as I am.  
"Oh hey! Are you my roommate?", he asked happily.  
All I could do was nod admiring the light pink eye shadow that coated his eyelids.  
"You're staring, also yes I know my makeup is flawless. I'm Magnus.", he reached his hand out.  
"Hi, I'm Lexa. Nice to meet you.", I say shaking his hand. He let go of my hand to sit on his bed, tying his laces.  
"Where are you going?", I asked. I sucked at conversation starters. Was this even conversation starter?  
"Um..classes start in two hours, till then I'm going to look around campus and interact with Homo Sapiens. You wanna join?", he asked looking up.  
I shrugged and he chuckled as we both made our way out.  
The halls were jam packed with people, their luggage, some even brought their own pillows?  
"Oh hey, Blakes!", Magnus screamed in my ear before he ran towards two people, a boy and a girl, standing against their lockers. Making my way to them I got a better view of the pretty girl and the tall muscular boy.  
"Hey, who are you?", the girl with the brown hair spoke looking at me up and down.  
Before I could answer Magnus spoke.  
"Guys, this is my roommate Lexa and Lexa these are the Blakes, Bellamy and Octavia. Bellamy and I have been best friends since third grade so there's that."  
"What are you guys studying?", Bellamy spoke gesturing his hand towards me.  
"Pre-Engieneering but I've also taken English Literature as an extra.", I say.  
"Alright! That sounds cool, I'm more of a social science kind of guy so Sociology and Psychology are my majors", he smiled widely. He sure was a very joyous person which brought a smile into my face too.  
"Oh, I'm an art whore, art this, art that, it's my passion and I love it", Magnus chirped and we all laughed at his choice of words.  
"Your sketches are the best, honestly. I want to be a writer or like an actor I haven't really decided but I hope to find my way this year. Literature, Drama, Music and other small activities shall be my burden this year", Octavia says shifting her glances between Magnus and I.  
These people were nice so far, hopefully being away from home would bring me a chance to think about things and move on from my past, from the things I did, I saw, the actions I carried out, that one person I hurt, I hope she doesn't remember me since we were young at the time but pain is pain and it's pretty heavy to just shake off. I wasn't exactly proud of the rigid ball of rage I had sort of allowed myself to become but maybe it will get better, maybe someday I will be able to live for myself.

The bell rang indicating that classes are about to start. I spent the two hours hanging out with Bellamy, Octavia and Magnus eating pizza in the cafeteria and talking about alien conspiracy theories. Time table showed I had chemistry lab first. I sighed and got up excusing myself and saying bye to the others and made my way to the Lab. "Okay class today we will be working with different elements are the ways in which we can identify them", the teacher spoke in her high pitched voice.  
"Excuse me miss, may I say that outfit looks really nice on you? Red is totally your color", a boy in a leather jacket said as he snickered with his Asian friend.  
"Thank you, Jasper Jordan. Take your seat. This may be a first day dare but I do not appreciate these kind of comments from my students. I will now pair you all up with your lab partners for the year. Jasper Jordan and Monty Green, Anya Larkin and Lincoln Grey, Lexa Woods and Raven Reyes.", Miss Karen spoke on but my gaze searched the room hoping to find a Raven.  
A brunette girl approached me holding various apparatus, who looked like she needed help. I held onto the conical flask that slipped from her grip.  
"Hey thanks buddy", she spoke cheerily.  
"It's no problem, are you Raven?"  
"Yup, that is me. You must be Lexa, at least that's what the teacher told me when she pointed at you", Raven went on.  
"Yeah. We should get started.", I say putting on my lab coat.  
"You seem cool and all but I was hoping to being paired up with my boyfriend, Finn. I guess they pair us up with students according to our faculty. Finn is pre-medical, the blondie next to him must be too.", she gestured towards a boy who had long hair and blocked my view from the his partner who had blonde hair.  
"I know he's hot but don't drool, now come on, I need help", Raven tapped my shoulder.  
"Oh no, I was just trying to see his partner", I defended.  
"Awh, tough cookie. I'm kidding.", she raised an eyebrow handing me a matchbox.  
I chuckled lightly. Raven seemed like a nice friendly soul. For someone who was between being an introvert and extrovert I was sure as hell keeping up with all these new names and new faces.


	2. Massive

**Clarke's POV**  
College started out pretty fun. First day classes were kept short to introduction and syllabus requirements. The real work started on the second day when I had no free periods and I dreaded getting out of bed. My hair was a mess and my roommate, a girl called Octavia, took too long in the bathroom. I still had an hour till my Botany class started so I buried my face back into my pillow.  
"Clarke, wake up.", Octavia tapped my shoulder.  
I groggily dragged myself to the bathroom. I hated lazy days.

Botany class was a bummer, the teacher was old and she kept rambling on, Finn kept throwing paper balls on some kid who I think is called Monty's head? I kept count of my yawns and tallied a 32 as the class ended.

Next was English Literature, an extra I picked since my father did not want me to be a pure science geek and explore the wonders of writing too. Thanks dad.

Walking into a huge classroom I saw that the blue tables in the front had already been occupied. I sat myself somewhat in the back beside a girl who was looking outside the window. I could see her blue shirt printed with a Bugs Bunny animation and dark blue jeans, her hair let down, waves of brown hiding her shoulder and her face. I found myself staring as to which I looked away embarrassed, control your fucking gay Clarke. I came out to my family five years ago as bisexual. They told me they still love me the same and that they are proud of me for letting them know. Not a lot of kids have it this lucky, so it was a big personal achievement for me.  
My thoughts were interrupted by a handing being frantically waved in front of my face.

"Help me open this window", the brown haired girl called out to me.  
"Y-Yeah sure", I smiled getting up and making my way closer to her. Why did I have to stutter, I never stutter?  
She smiled and the reflection of the sun showcased her green eyes, was she a beauty.  
"I'm Lexa and this is window. Window won't open.", she spoke goofily pointing and the window.  
"I'm Clarke and I'll make sure this opens.", I say leaning on her table and opening the window. It wouldn't budge. I looked over to Lexa to see her gleeful attitude vanished, instead she looked deep in thought. Her gaze focused on the ground and her eyebrows furrowed together in confusion and distraught. I snapped my fingers as an indication of needing help. Lexa and I grunted in frustration, after a few attempts the window finally opened.  
I sat back down on my seat and looked over to Lexa, she looked at me and flickered her gaze away. Wow, mean much? I had no idea why I cared but my mood dropped. Surprisingly, the class grew interesting and everyone interacted well. Except for Lexa, she sure looked like she enjoyed the class. I could tell she was avoiding me on purpose.

The bell rang and everyone ran like it was the world ending, it was lunch time. Getting up and walking a few steps ahead I felt a hand on arm and almost a whisper like plead

"Clarke, wait",  
I turned to see Lexa standing there. She moved her hand away as to show she did respect my personal space. Her green eyes now a bit darker. Her body language dim.

"Yeah..?", I asked concerened brushing my hair out of my face.

"I just want to say, thanks, for like the window and shit. It wouldnt open at all.", Lexa said nervously digging her long fingers in the jean pockets.

Her struggle was obvious and I didn't want to make her feel bad for being a sour puff earlier so I decided to shake it off and be nice.

"It's okay. Also I'm starving so like do you want to go get some lunch?", I say and watch her green eyes light up again.  
"Yeah, please", she said walking ahead and tripping on someone's bag.  
"You okay?", I ask.  
"Yeah I'm fine, what the fuck, someone actually left their bag in the middle of the class and ran for food?", Lexa chuckled as we walked out of class together.  
"I like your name Lexa, it's very pretty."  
"Thank you. You too, have a beautiful name and it matches your face", she winked.  
Okay, what is this person. So fluctuative.  
Was this flirtation, did she just say my name was pretty like me? That was kinda smooth.  
"The rest of my friends are at that table, you wanna join us?", Lexa asked pointing to a crowded area.  
"Yeah, you go ahead, I'll find my friends and meet you there too.", I say squeezing her shoulder as I walk forward and give her a small smile.

I walk around the cafeteria and drag my group of friends to the table where Lexa and her friends are situated.  
"Hey Lexa, here is my gang", I say flinging my arm around Anya.  
"Hey Clarke", she replied shyly.  
"This is Bellamy", she pointed to a guy which had brown eyes and his hair covered half of his forehead. He gave me a thumbs up before his sandwich covered his face.  
"That's Magnus", a very smiley flamboyant harmless soul waved frantically making me laugh, he was going to be the best one out of them all, I could tell.  
"That's Octavia and lastly, my brother Alec", I waved and smiled at everyone. Damn Alec and Lexa had really pretty eyes, those genes.  
"Oh well, I'm Clarke, this Anya, Lincoln, Monty, Jasper, Raven and Finn", I say pointing at everyone individually.  
"I don't think there's a lot of space for us to form a cult here", Finn said scratching his neck as everyone laughed.  
Bellamy and Finn got up and joined two giant tables so that everyone could fit.  
"Okay so, Octavia and I were thinking about hosting a party at our house this weekend. Sounds good to me, will you all be able to make it?", Bellamy excitedly looks around.  
A choruses of Yes, Yeah's and Hell Yeah's cheered on.  
I guess everyone was going to be there.  
"What about you, Clarke?", Lexa asked when everyone grew silent.  
"Duh, I'm a party animal", I say scoffing and almost choking on my Mac and Cheese.  
"Good", she smiled and resumed to circling her empty plate with a spoon.  
Who even uses duh anymore, I thought mentally face palming myself.  
"What are the timings, also who's brining the booze?", Jasper questioned.  
"Don't worry, I got it all covered. It's a Welcome to College party, I'm taking this seriously", Octavia reassured.  
"If only you could be this serious about your career choices, oh boy!", Bellamy teased earning a chuckle from Lincoln.  
"Shut up, Bell", Octavia gritted stabbing her fruit salad with her fork, giving death glares to her brother.

Siblings, yikes!


	3. The Weekend

**Lexa's POV**  
Today was the day the Blakes had a party at their house. Five hours till the party started and here we were, Clarke, Raven, Octavia and I sitting on my bed playing Monopoly. I bet the others were freaking out over what to wear or how to do their hair. Well the four of us didn't seem to care.  
"Lexxxaaaa, pay up!", Clarke whined.  
"I'm losing, please don't take money from me", my voice babyish with the best puppy face I could make.  
"Do you know how this game works? Chop chop", Raven laughed.  
"Ugh, fine", I say handing money to Clarke, her lips stretched into a smile as she counted the amount. Her smiled showed off her perfectly white teeth, a contagious smile is a dangerous one I figured as I found myself smiling too.  
"If Lexa is done staring at Clarke, we may proceed", Octavia winked as she rolled the dice.  
I felt my face heat up. Great. I laughed nervously looking down onto the board.  
"So uh, like what are you guys wearing? It's a casual party, right?", Raven questioned.  
"I was thinking maybe a dress..?", Clarke looked at each of us for approval.  
"Wear whatever you want just nothing too fancy, dress, jackets, shorts, sweatpants, no one cares!", Octavia waved her hands up.  
"Sweatpants a hell yeah for me", Raven giggled, jokingly I hope.  
"Since its kind of cold today I'm looking forward to wearing this black leather jacket I bought", I say pressing my lips together.  
"Hot", Clarke gave me a thumbs up but her sight lingered onto me for a little longer than her comment did.  
Damn, was I blushing.

Alec and I admired the huge beige modern bungalow we walked into, looking around the well maintained garden, the dew covered trees smelling so fresh, these people were rich. Different types of flowers, even several cacti planted, palm trees, coconut trees, a pool on the other side, it was like living in a permanent resort.  
We entered the house through large rectangular and brown polished doors, the whole place reeked with smoke and alcohol. Neon lights, typical red cups, a whole table laid out with 30 or so pizza boxes that were already empty. Wow. Coming across two set of stairs, one leading up and one down, to the basement.  
"Hey, Woods!", Bellamy approached from the crowd.  
He hugged each of us and came into view wearing blue jeans and a black button up shirt.  
"Nice party!", I screamed over the loud music, How Deep Is Your Love the overrated song that somehow dominated the charts played.  
"Thank you. The others are downstairs, go join them if you want.", He smiled and gestured towards the scary stairs which let to the basement.  
Bellamy ran off to some other people he had to receive.  
"You go down, I'll catch up", Alec said to me before he walked towards Magnus who was standing at the bar. Yes, they had a bar inside the house.

With my black jeans and black jacket I'm pretty sure I grew invisible halfway down. Stairs shouldn't be dark at all, one could fall and break a bone. An average size door opened to reveal the whole crew lazed out on couches and bean bags, some laying around on the carpet.  
"Hey Lexa!", they all greeted as Jasper whistled.  
"Ya boi hawt!", Jasper high fived me and handed me a can.  
Root beer.  
What an insult. I involuntarily scoffed.  
"Does anyone have actual beer as Jasper thinks I'm a weakling", I say playfully tossing the can back at an astonished Jasper.  
"No, I- just thought you wouldn't want something strong as it's just the start of the night", the boy looked awkward, standing with his lanky arms dangling.  
"It's okay, chill out", I said waving my hand in his direction and smirking as to drop the issue.  
Raven wore a blood orange dress that showed off her great figure well, Octavia wore sweatpants. I'm guessing she took the advantage of it being her own house and was deeply engrossed about some new iPhone game with Lincoln, as usual the boys Lincoln, Finn, Monty, Jasper wore casual jeans and shirts. I looked around to see Anya missing.  
"Where's Anya?", I questioned.  
"Anya couldn't make it, she had to study", A familiar voice spoke from the other side of the basement.  
I got up and followed to see Clarke going through the DVD collection stacked on a stylish vertical rack. Her back faced me to show how she wore a almond coloured dress that fitted her curves nicely, my eyes traveled down her long, slender legs which would never end to her jet black heels, her hair let down and pulled onto one side. A bracelet hung in her arm. If she only looked this good from the back I couldn't wait to see her face and just in that moment she decided to turn. Her blue eyes even more mesmerising, illuminated by the dim light that hung over us.  
"Oh hey, Lexaaa", she walked over and engulfed me in a hug.  
"Hi", typical me being the shy one.  
I smiled wide, wrapping my arms around her and taking in her scent, note to self: find out what perfume.  
"What are you doing all alone here, Clarke?", I say looking around to see a projector, a few blankets, a huge creamy white couch at the end of the basement.  
"I'm looking around. The others want to mope around in pizza dough and beer cans before we go up later", she spoke looking right at me.  
My breath hitched in my throat realising that she hadn't actually fully stepped back after our hug and that our faces were too close. I walked past Clarke, my body language unsure as anxiety took over me, our hands slightly brushed together, which caused me to look at her. Her eyes crinkled and she laughed heartily throwing her head back before slowly walking towards me.  
I didn't realize I was walking backwards till I bumped into the pool table. My fingers grasped onto the cold wood platform. Clarke towered over me, damn those heels.  
"You", she practically whispered as her finger dug into my sternum.  
"...remind me of someone special, Lexa",  
she looked down at her finger and traced it to my collarbone slowly, I've never held my breath longer.  
"I-I do?", I choke trying to sound causal but it comes out very shaky. Good going, Lexa.  
I tried playing innocent but my mind knew exactly what she meant. I had been trying to ignore that this could be the same Clarke, but everything matched, her hair, her eyes, the way she spoke, hell even the last name was the same and I knew it was her.  
"Yeah you do, we've only known each other a day but I feel like I do know you?", her eyes no longer had that hint of playfulness but a sudden downfall and I knew she was thinking back to that day when it all happened and how it all finished, without any explanation.  
"Well, maybe we knew each other in our previous life? Maybe reincarnation is an actual thing as believed?", I rambled on, not knowing what to say, playing dumb and it hurt me to treat her like this.  
"Maybe..", she trailed off and tugged on my jacket biting down on her lip.  
Oh shit.  
Oh shit.  
My childhood crush was coming back to me, she's standing right here in front me, tugging on my jacket, pulling me closer and biting her lip, I blew out air from my cheeks, my lungs heavy.  
Clarke grabbed a cue.  
"How good are you?", she asked hinting at the game.  
"The best", I smirked raising my eyebrow.  
"Really?", she confirmed in a flirtatious tone.  
"Wanna find out?", I reply in the same tone grabbing another cue, leaning on the table.  
"Game on".

A game later, in which I totally kicked her ass, everyone gathered around. Drunk. Everyone except Monty and I was wasted.  
"It's not a weave, let go!", Octavia screamed drunkedly tugging at her own hair.  
"Hey, Hey", I went over and untangled her fingers from her hair, now in knots. Good luck getting that out in the morning.  
"Let's playyyy truth and darree", Clarke slurred leaning against the wall, a green empty bottle in her hand.  
Everyone cheered and walked over to sit in a huge circle on the ground. Monty and I gave each other sympathetic looks. Oh boy, was it gonna be a rough day for all these hungover idiots tomorrow.  
Raven spinned the bottle.  
"Dare", she declared herself.  
"Kiss one of the people beside you", Lincoln spoke.  
Raven looked to her side to see Octavia and to the other side Finn. Lucky.  
"Sorry folks, I'm straight and my relationship is great!", she screamed before she started snogging her boyfriend. Bless those two.

"My turn", Bellamy grunted his drunk voice even thicker than what it already was.  
The bottle landed between Clarke and Octavia.  
"Choose, Griffin"  
"Truth", Clarke giggled falling on my shoulder. Lord help his child.  
"First kiss, do you remember it?", Octavia smugly questioned and everyone fell dead silent.  
Oh fuck. I don't know if Clarke recalled but I sure as hell never forgot. I couldn't exactly see her facial expression but everyone surely wasn't amused. I felt her body weight lift off me as she leaned forward, snatching Jasper's booze from his hands and chugging it down.  
"Hey that was mine!", he whined.  
"Fuck off", Clarke spat bitterly.  
Gasps.  
Oh Lordy, this was getting ugly.  
"Fine, take it you don't have to be a meany. I'll get another one.", Jasper said stumbling to the fridge in the corner of the room.  
"I do remember, Octavia. It was third grade.", she gritted angrily.  
Alec looked over to me, he knew. His worried expression tensed me up more and more. My breathing rate picked up and my heart felt like it was about to tear through my chest.  
"Who was it?", Finn asked.  
"I didn't realise it was my turn again, oopsie. Guess what? I don't wanna play anymore.", Clarke kicked the bottle and stood up.  
"Okay everybody lets get back home", Alec clapped as to gain attention.  
"Noooo, this is my house. You cannot take me elsewhere.", drunk Octavia pointed at Alec.  
"Not you, O. I meant those of us who live at College. Magnus, Clarke, Lexa. Up now.", he commanded.  
"Monty, you coming now or later?", Magnus asked.  
"I'll come home later, they'll never end a party this early. Don't worry, I got Lincoln, Raven and Jasper. I'll bring them to campus before eleven.", the responsible guy crossed his arms over his chest.

Walking back to our dorms was a tough one. Alec had to grab onto Magnus' arm cause' he kept running around and I had to fling an arm around Clarke to help her walk. And to think of it I was considering getting drunk tonight, pfft.  
"Where's your dorm, Clarke?", I asked softly.  
"Skittles", she giggled covering her mouth.  
"Your dorm", I clarified.  
"Skittles! Skittles!", she clapped her hands together. She made no sense and was a stubborn girl who didn't want to tell me where her dorm was.  
How many bottles did she pop while no one was sober enough to stop her?  
I chuckled shaking my head, drunk Clarke was funny.  
Getting to my room Alec threw Magnus on his bed and took his shoes off while I put Clarke on my bed.  
"Where will you sleep?", Alec asked concerned.  
"I'll manage", I said looking down at Clarke who lay awake but silent.  
"I'm going to my room. Call me if you need help. Bye, sis.", he walked out kissing my forehead and shutting the door.  
Thank God Magnus fell asleep instantly. Tomorrow was a Sunday that's why no one really cared if they stayed out late or anything.  
"Her name was Lexa, too", I heard Clarke whisper and I froze in my position. Guilt shamed over me, I wanted her to know it was me and that I never meant for things to end for us that way. I sat against the headboard and Clarke turned to me.  
"It was over before it even started. She left me. I waited for her at school, the next day and the day after that and the day-", Clarke gripped tightly the pillow she lay on, trying not to sob, this is the most heartbroken I've seen someone other than myself all these years.  
"Sssh...", I stroked her hair.  
"It'll be okay, Clarke. You'll find her."  
"I hate her but yeah maybe someday if I find her, I would want to ask why she left, was I not a..good enough friend? a good enough first kiss or something", she yawned and I saw a tear slip out of her eye.  
"Maybe someday", I whispered as I continued to run my fingers through her hair, it comforted me when my mom did that and I figured it would help her too.  
All proof had now confirmed that this was my third grade first love and how it all fell apart and life wasn't fair to me since that day. The way we got separated wasn't fair to Clarke either. She's still heartbroken over this. All these years I thought she would have stopped caring, or would have forgotten but she didn't.  
Frantically rummaging through my bag I pulled out my journal and opened to a fresh page. Soft, light snores indicated that Clarke had fallen asleep.  
My fingers grazed the pages of my journal and the ink flowed freely as I wrote,

" **14th July 2016**

 **I found her. And she hates me**."

I close the book and shove it in the side table drawer, closing the lights down and uncomfortabley fitting myself beside Clarke on my bed, sleep eventually came to me.


	4. Skittle Kinks?

**Clarke's POV:**  
I try to move but my senses come to accept that there is another presence surrounding me. Nauseous, my head pounds carrying the worst kind of pain that bangs against my cranium. I take a deep breath, which helps me to calm down. Light traces of lavender and vanilla stinging my nose encourage me to open my eyes to take in my surrounding. My arm draped over Lexa's body, one above and one underneath, holding her. Her legs tangled up with mine but holding me down. Moving my head up trying not to disturb I manage to see literally the most adorable someone has looked while asleep. Lexa's mouth slightly hung open and her arms held onto me, not too tight but not loose either. Suddenly, it dawned upon me that I told her about my past, well maybe just a few things but still. Dammit Clarke. I was confused, puzzled or whatever other synonym that could be used for not being able to fully understand why I didn't feel even a little bit uncomfortable or peculiar waking up this way. Did I have feelings for her already? Or was I still too influenced by the past I needed to let go of? My throat felt dry and my hands felt weak, I felt like I was using her. Using an individual who had the same name as the girl I fell in love with when I was young, finding closure and satisfying myself with the possible comfort that maybe I could move on. I couldn't do this to Lexa. She deserves better. She deserves someone who is going to love her for who she is and not cause of what anyone suffered from.

"You're thinking too hard and too loud. Whatever it is, let it go. For now, at least", a groggy voice spoke.  
"Lexa, I'm sorry. I took up your whole bed and gave you so much trouble.", my voice dripped with embarrassment as I composed myself to sit up.  
"Hey...I never said you were any trouble, Clarke.", she whispered, her voice calming my nerves.  
Why did I care about her so much? Barely known her for two days and she's been nothing but nice to me. Nervous and shy, cocky and peculiar, her chestnut golden brown hair, those green eyes that I couldn't stop thinking about ever since she asked me to open that window. God Bless windows.  
She had an effect on me and it drove me wild.  
"You're really mean when you get lost in your thoughts and don't reply to me", Lexa complained lightly punching my shoulder and grasping into it.  
"What if I told you that I was thinking about you?", I bit my lip and watched her go pale. Oh, I love it when she gets nervous. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it off in defeat. Then her lips parted again.  
"So..what's going on in your mind?", Lexa questioned.  
I liked this. I hate being an asshole but I was having too much fun.  
Leaning forward I used my thumb to wipe the edge of her bottom lip. My eyes traveled from her plump lips to her nose and to her eyes, good Lord.  
Catching her gaze flicker from my lips to my eyes I smirked and innocently backed away.  
"You drool, Woods", I say wiping my thumb on the bedsheet.  
"Yeah, well, you snore", she countered.  
"I owe you though, for last night. You could have taken me to my dorm.", I say fumbling with my hands.  
Lexa began to laugh.  
"I did ask you and all you did was reply with skittles", she laughed harder now clutching her stomach and I laughed along.  
"You're a meanie", I whack her arm.  
"Ouch! That hurt", she said rubbing her arm. I stick my tongue out.

 **Lexa's POV:**  
Clarke sticks her tongue out at me. Recovering from my laugh attack I take a take a look around the room. Everything so neat and tidy like it never moved. Magnus' bed made perfectly with no creases on the bedsheet, wow he seemed very particular about cleanliness.  
Suddenly, the door burst open and Octavia stood midway.  
"Uh, hey kids am I interrupting?", she asked.  
"Nah, we're just chilling", Clarke replied turning her head.  
"Aaaah, Netflix and Chill?", Octavia dragged her words eyeing Clarke.  
"What Netflix?", I say waving my hands around to show there's no way we have access too it.  
"Oh yeah….never mind. You guys wanna go get breakfast at a diner close by?", Octavia suggested gesturing with her thumb pointing out the door.  
"Fuck yeah. I love diner breakfasts.", Clarke got up from the bed excitedly.  
"Oks fam, we leave in half an hour. Meet everyone in the parking lot. Bye.", the door slammed shut and the room fell silent as the chirpy girl left.  
"So.. I guess we better start getting ready.", I spoke scratching my neck and kicking open my suitcase.  
"I could not bother changing but I will", Clarke said looking down on her dress, she slept in that. I smiled and she opened the door.  
"Bye, guess I'll see you later.", she stepped out.  
"Clarke, wait", I stepped forward and leaned against the doorframe.  
"Did you sleep well?", I ask hesitantly.  
"You were with, I slept like a baby", she shrugged her shoulders.  
"Well that's good", I nodded looking down at my feet.  
Clarke leaned forward and her head tilted to the side. I gulped as I felt her soft lips touch my cheek. A thousand butterflies, caterpillars or whatever you call it erupted in my system. Her hand squeezed my shoulder and I swear time slowed down. Her lips lingered on my skin and I heard her whisper,  
"Thank you"  
"No no, not at all, I-I'm happy", I stuttered idiotically.  
Her pearly white smile made an appearance before she closed the door.  
Oh well my day was made. Kinda hasty with the judgement since more was to come as the day had yet begun but for me I could say in that moment, I was happy. It felt weird as I hadn't truly felt this joyous for as long as I can remember. Picking up my black skinny jeans and purple shirt, I headed over to the bathroom to change and think about whether I should reveal my true identity to Clarke or not.

"Pancakes over waffles who agrees?", Finn called out as we all were seated in a booth.  
"Me", I called raising my hand for a spilt second. Raven, Lincoln and Anya agreed.  
"The rest are team pancake? Gosh, tragic", Raven joked glancing at Clarke, Bellamy and Jasper.  
"Pancakes are soft and smooth, just delicious", Jasper justified.  
"Waffles are just better", I say.  
"Eggs are the best breakfast choice for me I love, love, love them. I'd marry a chicken just to get eggs to eat from her everyday.", Bellamy spoke dreamily.  
"Dude sorry to break it to you, you can get eggs anywhere and you don't have to marry a chicken for it", Monty laughed reaching for a French Fry.  
"So Clarke and Lexa, what happened last night after you guys left?", Octavia played dumb and gave us a look as if to 'spill the beans'. I chuckled to myself, did she think we were a couple or something?  
"Well I was drunk so I barely remember, pfft", Clarke said her gaze unfocused as she looked away. Lies, she probably remembers to be this flustered to even think about it.  
"Well for starters when I asked her where her dorm is, she kept telling me skittles", I cockily disclosed and saw her cheeks go beetroot.  
"Lexa", she complained.  
The others laughed.  
"Looks like somebody has a skittles kink, eh?", Jasper laughed heartily.  
"NOO, I JUST LOVE SKITTLES. ESPECIALLY, THE GREEN AND YELLOW ONES.", Clarke gushed about her favorite flavors leaning back in her seat.  
"I love them too so I understand", Raven gave her an encouraging smile.  
"So we ended up crashing in my room", I say as a matter of factly.  
"Yeah, look", Magnus' held his phone up and everyone wooed excitedly.  
What the fucking hell was he showing them? Oh, hell no. Clarke and I shared confused glances at each other before Monty handed me the phone.  
"It's cute, don't worry", he said reassuringly as he passed the device.  
It was a picture of Clarke and I sleeping as we hugged each other unknowingly. Smiling, I sent it to my WhatsApp.  
I passed the phone to Clarke.  
"Aww, y'all so cute", Finn cooed slapping the table.  
"I deleted it, you little sneaky hoe", Clarke said sliding the phone across the table to Magnus.  
"Did you delete it from the deleted items section too or?"  
"No, stupid me. Oh well, don't you dare post it anywhere."  
"You a dumb hoe!", Magnus laughed pointing his finger towards Clarke and stopped midway as Alec kicked his leg under the table.

"I'm so bored", Octavia announced finishing her vanilla shake.  
"You're bored all the time, O", Bellamy rolled his eyes.  
"I mean like its Sunday and we have to be back at campus by 7, I don't want to go back now", she whined.  
"Let's go to the amusement park", Clarke suggested.  
Everyone seemed to agree. Deep down I was hoping someone would say no or make an excuse to head back to campus but they didn't. I wasn't very fond of heights and near death experiences but I chose to not say anything. Everyone always made fun of me for being a buzzkill. Thinking about the drop of the roller coaster when it reaches the peak, the tension, the screaming, the fall, the regret of going with the decision of getting on the ride in the first place, the adrenaline, the nauseating feeling that fleets. I grip the edge of the table I sat on, my breathing heavy and my knuckles cloud white.  
I look around to see no one noticed me silently having this mini attack. I quickly wipe the bead of sweat that trickles down the side of my head. My iPhone vibrated in my jean pocket, a message.

iMessage

Alec:  
 **Are you okay? You don't seem fine. If it's one of your attacks, you have to tell me.**

Oh fuck, he noticed. I look up to see everyone engrossed in the conversation about Pokèmon hunt or some shit while Alec worriedly stared at me.  
My fingers trembled typing out a reply,

Lexa:  
I'm fine.

Alec isn't going to buy that shit, he knew me too well. I take a deep breath and pay for my breakfast and get up.

"Yo, where to?", Raven asks.  
"I'll wait outside. I need air", I say to hurriedly avoid any further questions and Clarke's worried stare as I walk away.  
Brisk walking to my blue car and punching open the dash board to pick up a cigarette and a lighter. I look back at the diner window at our booth to make sure no one sees me. The flame catches on to the death roll and it shifts from between my fingers to between my lips. I'm breathing chemicals, taking in the toxicity. I laugh at my luck on how all these years being surrounded by death, sorrow and toxic environments had me screwed but when for a change, for once my life gets better, my surroundings become healthy and people around me actually care about me, I have to fuck it all up. I'm using a harmful substance to find peace in a happy place. Hating myself hasn't been every difficult given by what I've been through. I inhale the nicotine infested mint smell one last time and exhale it, to vow to myself to never pick it up again and to only come across it if something really fucked up occurs. Today was the day I promised myself to treat me better, to move forward, to love and to be happy. Realizing that the only person who was holding me back was myself made me angry at my own personality. Life is about more than just surviving and I had turned something good in front of me into something pricky which it wasn't. I slam shut the car door and promise myself to only try to improve as a person and treat myself better cause' the chances were slim to none anyone else would even try to do it for me.

"Here's to saving me from myself", I say as I drop the cigarette butt and crush the life out of it with my boot. Down with negativity

 **A/N: So well what do you guys think?  
Please review theyre like skittles for me,dont be too harsh /hides/  
THANKS FOR READING  
-Potato woman **


	5. Adrenaline

**Lexa's POV**  
"That one looks pretty high!", Alec announced pointing at the roller coaster.  
"How many tickets should I get for it?", Bellamy turned to count whoever wanted to get on.  
"Okay got it", he walked away to the counter.  
"Lex, are you crazy? You're seriously going? and on that?", Alec whisper screamed in my ear.  
"I can do it, Alec. It's not like I've never done it before.", I say calmly but I knew that state would soon be gone.  
"You know you don't have to do this if you don't want to. You'll have a panic attack-", Alec sternly spoke until we got interrupted.  
"What you guys talking bout'?", Clarke skipped towards us.  
"Just deciding what seat we prefer on the roller coaster", I was proud of my quick response.  
"Oh, well, the front obviously. That's the best in the ride.", she said it without a blink.  
I gaped and look towards Alec who had his arms crossed over his chest and gave me a look of 'you better know what you're getting yourself into', giving him a reassuringly look I turn my attention back to Clarke who was staring at me probably sensing the unrest between my brother and I.  
"I got them!", Bellamy and Finn jogged to us with the tickets.  
"Hey Bellamy, what's the best seat on the roller coaster for you?", Clarke asked.  
"Oh all the way in the back", his eyes lit up with excitement.  
Finn, Clarke and I exchanged fishy smiles before we burst out laughing. Our minds deep into the gutter. My eyes looked towards Clarke to see her laughing hysterically, her hand covering her mouth and her hair blowing away because of the wind, she always looked so pretty, never a dull moment.  
"I hate you guys", Bellamy said shoving his middle finger in our faces.  
"Where's our fearless engineer?", Finn looked around to see Jasper, Octavia and Raven walk to us with a bunch of Cotton Candy.  
"It's our turn now! I'm going mid", Alec screamed waving his hand to us.  
My stomach dropped and regret dawned upon me. I knew this was that I needed to fight off. Overcome my fears to get to that rush of adrenaline that the body craved. My friends ran up selecting their seats. My fingers grazed the cheap ticket paper in my hand, my plans sweaty and feeling like the ticket would fly away. I look around to see Raven and Finn already sitting in together with Alec behind them situated in the middle region with some random girl. Bellamy and Jasper all the way in the back of the ride and Octavia sitting in the second seat with a stranger. I could see Clarke's blonde hair indicating that she sat right in the front and the seat beside her empty. Next thing, I go where my feet take me, stopping in front of the vacant seat in the fucking front.  
"Well, come on get in. I thought you're already seated. The ride will start soon.", Clarke smiled at me.  
"Okay", I nodded and got in.  
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?  
One of the assistants walked up and secured my seat belt and let down the metal pole that barricaded our bodies.  
"Hey, check hers too.", I stop him and look towards Clarke.  
"Already done", he says bitterly before he walks away.  
"Fucktard", I angrily mutter to myself before turning to Clarke. I reach the belt that tied around her abdomen and tightened it.  
"What? H-Hey! That was tight already", she whined.  
"Yes, Clarke. Just not tight enough.", I say. My jaw clenched.  
Wiping my hands on my jeans just as my fingers grabbed into the cold metallic railing, the engines roared and the roller coaster creaked forward. All the passengers situated cheered.  
I close my eyes shut and open them, looking around to take in a view of the earth that grew smaller with each rise in our journey. The amusement park grew tiny from a high view, trees, land, poles.  
"What if we were to die on this very ride and the last thing everyone did was to cheer for their death?", I said looking at Clarke.  
She laughed and turned her head towards me.  
"You worry too much, Lexa", she says.  
"What do you wanna scream before the drop?", she asks and I turn to notice that we were almost about to go into the drop and the fast part of the ride.  
"Panda bears are cuter than Polar bears ?", I say frantically wiping my wet hands on my jeans.  
"Okay sure, weirdo.", she giggled and one of her hands grasped onto the railing and the other one reached out towards me.  
"Hold my fucking hand, we're about to fucking drop!", Clarke screamed as the ride stopped for a split second to tip over. My fingers locked with hers, we were about to break the them with the strength we squeezed.  
My heart was the only thing I could hear in my chest and before I knew it, there it was, the ride rushed down, the drop that made me feel like my body burned up with acid inside. I closed my eyes shut and screamed and so did Clarke. The wind blew harshly, I felt bad whoever sat behind me as my hair probably hit his face. Finally, Satan's vehicle came to a stop and everyone got off.  
"Man, I almost shit my pants", Jasper said patting Bellamy on the shoulder.  
"I'm partially deaf, the girl beside me, screamed so loud", Bellamy rubbed his ear.  
"That was so much fun!", Octavia excitedly tugged on my arm.  
"Yeah, totally. Nerve wrecking.", I nod.  
"So..who wants to run over this sweet piece of ass in dodging cars?", Magnus cheered.

"Ugh, I can't solve this dumb equation.", I scratched my temple with the back of a pencil sitting cross legged on my dorm bed later that night.  
"Can I help?", Magnus said glancing at my homework.  
"Suit yourself", turning the book towards him I lay back.  
His golden brown eyes read over the equation again and again and his cheekbones further showed as he stuck his tongue out, concentrating and scribbling away on the pages.  
"Thirty four. Is that correct?", he asked hopefully.  
"Yes, oh my god. I've been stuck on his for fifteen minutes.", astonished I turn the book towards me.  
"It was a tricky one but I tackled it", he says smugly shrugging his shoulders and get up from my bed to lay on his own.  
"I'll explain it tomorrow if that's okay?", he chuckled.  
"Yeah it is. Thank you.", I smiled.  
It was lights out for us at 10pm. Checking my schedule to see I have math class tomorrow morning made me want to drown.  
The room being pitch black induced sleep gradually and I wondered why Octavia chose to stay at College when she clearly has a house. Octavia and Clarke were roommates. Just as I was about to slip away in slumber my phone vibrated.

*Text Message from an unknown number*

" **Hey, Clarke here. Today was fun**."

My lips twitched into a smile, saving her number.

"Me too. The roller coaster was a wild one.", I texted back.

" **It really was. Didn't know you had a talent of dodging cars, eh?** ", she replied.

"Cars or really anything, dodging is more of a personality trait for me.", I type out wittily imaging her giggle over this hideous attempt of humour somehow made me feel secure.

 **"Haha, same here. Anyways, Goodnight. See you tomorrow.** ", she texted back.

"Goodnight, Clarke.", I say adding the crescent moon emoji and hitting send.

Emojis may be corny but I liked them. That's what Alec always teased me with, "you're a corny, hopeless romantic". It was somewhat true.  
I couldn't wait to wake up to new possibilities.

 **A/N:  
`~Yeah updating on fanfic is the most annoying thing ever,anyways guys I would love to know what you think about this chapter . Honestly it took me like an hour to update because fanfic had gone crazy  
REVIEW IF YOU WANT MORE CLEXA  
-potato woman**


	6. Secretive

**Lexa's POV**

Math and Chemistry had exhausted me beyond imagination and it was only lunch time yet. Another 3 hours to go till I get to go back to my dorm. Trying to keep my eyes open as I chewed on the rubbery pizza. I couldn't find the rest of my friends, maybe they had classes and other than that Raven and Clarke had to go to Biology Lab.

"Hey loner", Alec mocked sitting across from me.

"Hey. How was class?", I ask.

"Good. Bellamy feel asleep in Sociology and got detention.", Alec laughed before taking a bite from the slice of pizza and a frown on his face appeared.

"So...Clarke figured it out yet?", he asked studying my face.

"I don't know what you're talking about-"

"Lexa, please. You know exactly what I mean.", he spoke in a soft voice.

"No, she hasn't. She just said I reminded her of someone from her past who was also called Lexa. She's broken, Alec. I caused her too much pain. She hates me.", I say shaking my head trying to blink back the tears that clouded my vision.

"Maybe you should tell her", he says sympathetically.

"No way. I'm not doing that. For once things are actually going good for me.", I lean back in my seat and cross my arms stubbornly.

"I think you should tell her, it's not fair. What if she's still in love with you? Like you are with her.", he said frustrated.

My throat felt dry at his mention of me being in love with her and the possibility of her feeling mutually.

"What if she's not? She's mentioned that she hates me already when was drunk that day. I don't want to lose her, not again. I'm too weak, please!", I say slamming my fist on the table earning a few stares. Fuck.

"Hey...", he spoke reaching out to hold my hand.

"Listen, you have me and I love you. You are aware that I know everything about you and of course I mean well. This is a heavy thing to expose, you can take the time you need but please you have to let her know. It's not fair to her. I know you care more about her feelings than you do about your own, so think about how all these years she still has hope that maybe she will find you someday. You have to be strong and have to do this on your own.", Alec continued in a worried voice.

I felt at fault for everything as always. Not being able to think rationally and to make correct decisions about what is proper. Alec was right, I had to let her know. What stressed me out was how? or when? what would be her reaction? will she still choose to be friends with me?

"Yeah, that makes sense. You're right. I should tell her but I'm not going to do it right away.", I look at him with pleading eyes begging him to stop forcing me to it.

"Yes, see. Take all the time you want but make sure it's not too late again, okay?", he said his lips twitching into a smile.

"Okay.", I smiled back and the bell went off indicating that it was time to rot in Physics class.

"What class next?", Alec asked tossing his slice of pizza in the trash.

"Physics, you?"

"Yikes, I have to go the gym. I'm trying out for Rugby.", he shrugged his shoulders nervously.

"Oh well, that's awesome. Good luck.", I say before running off.

"Bye! No running allowed.", I heard him shout.

My phone buzzed as I nuzzled my face further into my pillow. After a few seconds, it vibrated again to the extent to which it wouldn't stop. I fished my phone from under my pillow to stop the snooze alarm I had set for 6pm. Brushing my hair out of my face, I yawned. That was a good nap but I could feel a headache coming on. Oh no, I had a shit ton of homework to do and I wasn't ready to deal with a pounding sensation distracting me. Just then the door flew open, Raven stood there in black jeans and a blue tank top with a cup of coffee in her hand.

"Hey, how was your nap?", she kicked the door shut and sat beside me.

"Good", I said reaching for her coffee cup.

"Yeah this is for you", she handed me another bag which had a sandwich in it.

"Thanks, babe. It's like you read my mind.", I said hugging her sideways.

"Anytime. We came to get you but Magnus' described you as good as dead.", Raven laughed.

"Well, he's not wrong. I was exhausted.", I say resting my chin on her shoulder.

"I have physics homework. 35 questions, can you believe? Isn't that too much for a day? I mean like, not for me cause' I love the subject but yeah..", the brown eyed girl wondered.

"Well, we have to suffer it's not like we have a choice", I say scooting to rest against the headboard. Damn, these were some good comfortable mattresses.

"I guess I'll get going", she patted my leg gently before getting up.

"Thanks, Raven.", I say gratefully stuffing my mouth with a sandwich watching her exit.

Starting on homework I realized I hadn't seen Clarke today and it somehow made me feel a bit down. Going through my pouch I pick out the pencil I borrowed from her in English class a few days ago.

"Where's your dorm?", I text her.

" **Six doors away from yours :)** ", an instant reply appears on my screen.

I hesitate ten times before knocking on the door debating with myself whether to say "Hi" or "Hey". Shaking my head, I stared at my shoes waiting for the door to open. Anxiety really sucked sometimes. The door parted apart to show Clarke standing there in grey sweatpants wearing a plain black shirt, as usual her wrists covered in funky bracelets and her messy hair all over the place, did the girl even own a hair tie?

"Oh well, come on in", her hands reached out to my wrist pulling me in.

"What were you doing?", I ask looking around her room to notice a guitar on near her bed.

"I was about to start on revision. You?", she asked.

"Yeah, uh, me too. I actually just came to give this pencil back.", I say sheepishly handing out the pencil. Clarke stared at me expressionless before her hand reached out and took the pencil.

"Sit", she ordered like I was some sort of a dog. The seriousness in her tone made me blue. I sat myself beside her studying her face. Was she angry? What if she read my journal that day when she woke up before me?

"Are you okay?", she asked her piercing blue eyes shining.

"Yeah, I'm fine.", I say dreading each moment cause I hated it how I had to tell everyone how fine I was.

"I believe you but something was off yesterday, when you stormed out of the diner. If there's something bothering you, feel free to talk to me.", she whispered tracing circles on my wrist.

Oh hell, how was I suppose to focus on a verbal conversation with her touch making me weak.

"I wasn't well yesterday, sort of, became upset over how things go on in my head. Overthinking is never a good idea.", I say and look over to see how pretty she actually looked in her simplest form. Thinking about how I could get used to waking up to her beautiful face just as I did that morning.

"I see through you, Lexa. Now tell me, the pencil was just an excuse to come see me, right?", she raised her eyebrow cockily, a little smile playing at her lips.

"It's creepy how you know that but yes it was, Clarke.", I say helplessly admitting it. Laughing to it together.

"You can visit any time you want. I like being with you.", Clarke spoke out.

I was lowkey very impressed with how straightforward she was sometimes. I could never say it all so easily.

"I'll keep that in mind. I enjoy your company too.", I say looking right at her. She chuckles, looking down.

"Okay, I'll leave now I have a shitload of work to do. Do you have any free classes tomorrow?", I ask hoping to spend some time with her.

"I think 8th period is free. What about you?", she asks.

"Oh shit, me too!", I gape at the coincidence, fist pumping.

Thank the Lord.

"You're honesty such a dork, Lexa. Leave.", Clarke shooed away with the gesture of her hand playfully.

"This shirt suits you", I state as a matter of factly.

"I know right? My boobs look great.", She cheered.

My palm rests on my stomach as I throw my head back laughing. This woman is from another planet.

"Okay bye for like real now", I say walking out and shutting the door to hear a faint "Bye".

Walking to my room wasn't a very long journey but it made me think of how all these years I have been in love with Clarke and how even though I buried it somewhere in the back of my mind it all resurfaced again. Seeing her again, when she's more beautiful than ever and so outgoing. She makes me feel shy all the time and I get nervous around her. I was falling too hard and too fast. Again. Frustrated at my lack of self control, the only thing that pissed me off was how every corny thing you've heard about what's it like being in love turned out to be true. I'm in love with Clarke Griffin.


	7. Flashback

- **Flashback-**

It was a ordinary day at Jane Rodgers Primary School. Third grade recess weather sunny and the atmosphere humid. Two young girls sat side by side on the swings.  
"Lexa, your birthday was fun yesterday.", said the blonde haired girl.  
"I'm glad you could make it, Clarke. You said your parents don't really allow you out of the house much.", the brunette spoke.  
"Well, when I told them it was you, of course they didn't mind. It's you! They love you!", Clarke giggled  
"Yeah I know but do you?", Lexa asked shyly biting her lip.  
"Obviously. Why do you ask such obvious things, Lex?", Clarke stood up dusting dirt off her school skirt.  
Lexa jumped off the swing chuckling at her best friend's annoyance.  
"When will we kiss again?", Clarke question innocently.  
"Whenever you want to", Lexa shrugged.  
"Last night when we kissed in your room, something changed. I couldn't stop thinking about it.", Clarke excitedly clapped her hands together.  
"Well, it's cause we like each other more and more everyday, that's what keeps changing and I wish-", Lexa was engrossed in her conversation when she heard a familiar voice scream.  
"Lexa!", the brunette girl turned to see her Aunt Caroline in hysterics. Little Alec stood by her side, confused as ever.  
"We have to go! Come on, we have to leave", her Aunt screamed wiping her tears on her half drenched sleeve.  
"I'm scared, Clarke", Lexa searched for her hand shakily.  
"Don't be scared. You'll be okay. Go, she needs you.", Clarke said hugging her tightly.  
"May we meet again", Lexa croaked with tears streaming down her face, her arm held out.  
"May we meet again", Clarke repeated her blue eyes looking worried than ever, her grasp firm on Lexa's arm not willing to let go.  
"Why do I have to fucking beg you kids?", Aunt Caroline spat angrily tugging a frightened Lexa away from her best friend, her new love.

 **Lexa's POV**  
That day was engraved in my mind like a scar, like a tattoo infused into skin. The day when I was dragged out of school, both my brother and I and taken far away from our home. To live with our Aunt in another city. Our Aunt was in a crisis mode cause' the plane in which my parents were to land crashed into earth due to technical problems in the engine. Not a single individual survived. Flight 3307. My journal opened in front of me as I wrote into it.

"Death isn't something you get over, it's permanent and it'll always stay that way. It's been ten years but that doesn't mean that a day goes by when I don't think about you, Mom and Dad."

Tears blurred my vision and the pen choked out its last remains of black ink. My arm flexed to angrily throw the pen across the room at the wall, running my fingers through my hair. I closed my journal and paced in my room before realising that it was eighth period break and I was supposed to meet Clarke at the bleachers. Grabbing my jacket and swinging it on I ran to the field.  
"Hey there, goldfish.", she teased as I sat beside her.  
"Sorry I forgot, like completely.", I say clearing my throat.  
"I'm like really sleepy", Clarke yawned, her body leaning against mine lazily and her head on my shoulder.  
"You're always sleepy, sleepyhead.", I say chuckling.  
"I slept late cause' I was texting. A bad habit.", she says rubbing her temples and the other arm tangled with mine.

As much as I loathed human contact, emotional contact, I didn't seem to mind Clarke. Her presence actually relaxed me, making me feel like someday it'll all be okay.  
"Oh really, who were you texting?", I say looking down at her.  
Her eyes flickered onto mine, staring deeply. Since her head was on my shoulder our faces were pretty close and boy if she could feel my heart beating she'd probably go deaf.  
"Curious are we, Woods?", she whispered playfully her tired eyes struggling to keep open drooped onto my lips. I felt blood rush to my cheeks.

"Maybe a little bit", I say brining my thumb and fore finger a little distance apart to show her exactly how much.  
"It's Will Herondale. All the girls drooled over him in Biology class today, including me. I've been thinking about asking him out since a week or so but I don't really know as yet.", Clarke spoke dreamily her thumb tracing my watch that decorated my left wrist.  
I felt like I had been punched in the gut by a powerful force.  
"I wouldn't know. I haven't seen him.", I say trying to brush it off as it was bringing my mood down.  
"Anyways he's such a flirt, it's cute and cringe worthy at the same time. You get me?", she asked looking at me, making sure I wasn't bored.  
"Yeah kind of", I say hoping we'd change the topic till we heard a scream.  
"Hey Clarke! Over here!", a guy in a red jersey screamed from the field waving his arms frantically. What did he want?  
He pulled off his helmet and waved.  
"Oh my god, Lexa. It's Will.", she screeched in my ear.  
"Come over, I have a five minute break.", he yelled.  
I felt my insides churn.  
"Is it okay if I go-", Clarke asked.  
"Go", I say with a bored expression, slinging my bag on my shoulder.  
"Lexa, I'm sorry. Today was supposed to be you and I here, are you sure you aren't mad?", she said with her palm resting against my waist.  
"Yeah, babe. Go. Besides, I could never be mad at you.", I winked to strengthen my facade which made her erupt into a giant ball of happiness.  
"You're the best, Lex.", she said walking away but the rapid change of expression gave away her nervousness of using that nickname on me. It's what she used to call me when we were kids. Obviously, she hasn't forgotten that. My eyes burned into hers, watching panic take over her, she nearly tripped down the stairs but composed herself and before I knew she was running away. My palms closed tightly into a fist cutting off blood supply, my knuckles white. I didn't realize I was clenching my jaw till I relaxed it. Getting caught off guard by the loud bell that strung through my ears I turned on my heel after staring at Will fling his arm around Clarke's shoulders.

All day I couldn't focus in class. I wonder how Alec felt, probably miserable too but I hope he isn't as distracted about it as I am. He's my braver half but it's okay for all of us to fall apart. I wasn't ready to disclose anything about my family to my friends yet. It's not that I didn't love or trust them, it's just that I wasn't sure where to start off.

Sitting on my bed later that night trying to read the novel that gained popularity in Literature class there was a knock on my door. Magnus was in the bathroom as usual so I had to get it.  
"Hey", Alec said tiredly, his voice lacking any amusement or enthusiasm.  
"You remember today, right?", I ask as we sit side by side.  
"Wish it was easier to forget", Alec whispered avoiding my gaze.  
"Sometimes I wonder how different it would have been if mom and dad were alive, the luxurious life they would've given us.", I say scratching my lip.  
"Yeah, I kinda cried a bit today. Okay maybe not a bit like I completely broken down in the bathroom. Magnus found me, he was there, f-for me.", Alec rambled on holding his head in his hands.  
"Shit, I'm sorry.", I say rubbing his back, devastated.  
"Do you have Advil? I've got a headache.", Alec asked.  
"Of course I do. Life is one big headache.", I say tossing the tablet pack at him.  
"You made it on the team?", I inquire.  
"Yeah, and so did Clarke. She's dating the captain of our team, Will Herondale.", Alec said it so casually that it made my blood boil. Was it that much of a trivial matter to him to drop it on my head like this?  
"Fucking hell", I gritted through my teeth, kicking the side of my bed.  
"Calm down-"  
"Alec, don't.", the sternness in my voice surprised me.  
"Don't let defeat own you before the start of the war.", his last words as he left my room.  
What war? Ugh.  
The bathroom door opened and Magnus stepped out. His hair all messy and spiky guessing he just got out of the shower.  
"You doing okay?", he asked.  
"Surprisingly", I say leaning against the headboard.  
"I wish I was as good as catching pokèmons as I am with catching feelings", Magnus blew air out of his cheeks.  
"Tell me about it. My score is shit.", I complain.  
"Pokèmon or feelings?"  
"Both"  
"Same", he chuckled.  
"Clarke got a boyfriend, or so I heard..", Magnus started off.  
"I didn't hear anything about it till now.", I say bitterly. Everyone seemed to know except for me. Why didn't she tell me. I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket.

Text: from Clarke Griffin

Hesitant to open it I knew what it was going to say. I unlocked my phone.

 **Guess who's got a boyfriend? :)**

Suddenly, messages started going off. It was a group chat with all our friends. Everyone congratulating her. I would write something but I didn't feel like contributing to anyone's happiness right now. I hated this selfish side of me but it was something I couldn't stop.

"Looks like you can focus all on your Pokèmon game without any distractions.", Magnus stated scrolling through his phone, getting the same messages.  
Shaking my head, I turned to him.  
"Is it really that obvious?", I snap.  
A hearty laugh escaped his lips.  
"It is. You make it really obvious. The way you both look at each other. Clarke's into you too, she probably went on with Will cause' she thinks you weren't interested in her the same way."  
"So this is my fault?", I defended.  
"No, not your fault. It isn't anyone's fault though. See the thing about loving someone is, you can love whoever you want but so can they."  
My body tensed up at the mention of how Clarke could have actually wanted something to happen between us but backed out unsure. I couldn't blame her for moving on. Knowing how she's still broken about us, she's trying to find ways to be happy. I couldn't take that away from her. I did value her happiness over my heartbreak, I just wasn't very good at showing it.

"She'll come around, don't worry."  
"I hope so", I reply to my roommate who tries to console me.  
"Thanks for taking care of Alec-"  
"Don't thank me. I'm happy to be there for you all in time of need. It's what friends do."  
I slipped under my cover and jerked up to when Magnus screamed.  
"WHAT?", I sit up.  
"There's a cockroach on the floor. ALSO ALEC JUST CAME OUT IN THE GROUP CHAT, GIRL. KEEP UP.", he screamed running from his bed to jump onto mine. I swipe my phone open to un-mute the group chat. Everyone took it very positively which was a good thing.  
"Good to know there are no homophobic rat asses in our friends circle.", Magnus scrolled through his phone.  
"Yeah, this is one of the most LGBT friendly colleges around here.", I read through the messages.  
"I didn't know that. Well, now I can make a move on your brother so there's that."  
"You're crushing on my brother?"  
"Hardcore."  
"Okay cool, get off my bed now."  
"Only if you kill that cockroach."  
I rolled my eyes getting up and making a roll with one of the magazines kept on the table. Smashing the insect I disposed off the materials.  
"You may rest, Your Highness.", I say gracefully gesturing towards his bed, smiling. First time I've smiled today.  
"Oh man, I kinda feel bad now. What if it's mama be waiting for it to come home?", Magnus said lying down.  
"Well tough luck, mama."  
We both laughed and said our goodnights.  
Losing hope on how to continue being positive about everything around me. I dropped back to square one. At least, I tried. My only focus is going to be studying and minding my own business to get the fuck out of here.

 **A/N: tan taaaaan taaaaaan dont killl me _,BUT i gave some light to malec so there might be some potential malec (AlecxMagnus) chapters in the future REVIEW if you want malec (pfft ofcourse you do everyone loves malec). so guys what do you think will happen ahead? ALSO IM LOOKING FOR BETA'S SO LIKE IF THERE'S ANYONE HERE WHO LIKES MY SHIT WRITING AND WOULD LIKE TO PROOF READ AND LIKE DO ALL THAT OTHER STUFF BETA'S DO TO MY CHAPTERS MESSAGE PLS KTHANKSBYE**  
 **-kawaiipotatowhoneedsabeta**


	8. New Rule

**Clarke's POV**

The next day at college, everything around me changed. Random girls in the hallways gave me dark glares, people whispered as I walked past and some just stared. Was it all just cause' I got a boyfriend? Maybe it was because all of them liked Will and he picked me.  
Yesterday, when he called to chat up for five minutes I wasn't expecting him to ask me out at all. It felt like a heat in the moment sort of decision as to which I said yes, cause' what's there to lose?

My friends were happy for me but Raven wasn't really satisfied since we barely knew the guy and don't know if he's even a nice person. Oh well, I guess this is how you learn some things, by taking a chance. Another person that didn't reply to the texts was Lexa. I was worried about her reaction the most as these past few days I did start growing feels for her and I knew I had to stop before it got out of hand. It didn't seem like she liked me more than a friend, she didn't have to.

I was scared of not letting go of my past and felt like maybe Will would give me a chance to move on and seek better. I got to my class and took my seat.  
"Hey, do you have a pencil?", a random person tapped me on the shoulder.  
"Yeah, sure here", I say handing over the pencil and sighing as the lecture began. Yawn count here we go.

At lunchtime everyone chatted about their day and ate each other's food.  
"Hey", a barely recognisable voice croaked. Everyone turned around to see Lexa standing beside the table we sat on. Dark circles surrounding her eyes, her lips dry, cheekbones protuded out even more than they naturally seem to be.

"Aww poor baby, you fell sick!", Raven got up, locking her hands arounds Lexa's waist. I chose to push aside in mind that it kind of bothered me by seeing them so close.

"Y-Yeah", Lexa spoke with a hoarse voice, gripping her throat.

"Easy there on the grip, disaster girl", Will suddenly came into view.

"Hey, who even are you?", Raven barked clearly agitated at him for calling Lexa 'disaster girl'. What the fuck, William? That wasn't nice at all.  
His blue eyes flickered to me.

"I'm sad", he said clutching his chest.  
"Clarke didn't tell you all about me? I'm Will.", he introduced.  
"We know. Nice to meet you.", Octavia blurted out, reached her hand out to shake his, her eyes sparkling with admiration.  
"Easy O, that's Clarke's prey.", Lexa hinted in a playful tone, a weak smile showed on her face lazily.

"Oh come on, prey? Isn't that a bit degradatory?", Will turned to Lexa a smirk playing at her lips further defining his cheekbones.

"I don't know? You started picking names first.", Lexa spat bitterly looking at him like he was dirt, her gaze focused and her jaw clenched.

Confused and astonished I blinked back into action.

"Oh well, you know what they say...Bisexuals only hunt, everyone else is a prey", I say stupidly in a attempt to lighten the situation. That was stupid, Clarke.

"Clarke, literally no one says that. That could lowkey qualify as biphobic..", Magnus whispered poking his fork in my arm. I gritted my teeth at my failure of lightening the mood.

Lexa sat beside Raven and Finn, she didn't even look at me. She was angry. Well, I'm angry too. I waited for her reply, I asked if it was okay for me to go meet Will yesterday too.

"Hey Lexa, can I talk to you?", I ask pushing Will's arm off me to get up.  
Lexa looked like a deer caught in headlights. She struggled weakly to get up, her hand on Raven's shoulder.  
I grabbed her arm gently and led her to the side, letting go, I crossed my arms.

"Why are you being a sour puff?"  
"A sour puff? Really Clarke?", she croaked coughing.  
"Fine, why are you being a bitch?", I say not really wanting to call her that.  
"I'm not", she said like it was the most obvious thing.

"You didn't reply to my text, you aren't looking at me, you're being mean to Will", I say counting on my fingers.

"I fell asleep and as far as I know your boyfriend was the one who started calling me names with his entry. I wanted to let him know that two can play a game. I'm not feeling well, Clarke. Do you even care? Leave me alone if I piss you off that much.", Lexa said waving her hand at me angrily in an attempt to get me to leave.

This was the first time I had seen her angry towards me. I blinked away the sudden surprise, or did I?

It could have made sense that she fell asleep early without seeing the texts. Will was being problematic too. I bit my lip. Merging up words in my mind, I didn't have anything to say to her. My shoulders dropped alongside my mood, regret took over me. I should have put her well being into consideration. I felt like someone had punched me , I felt gutted for treating her badly.

I saw Lexa go to the table and pick up her bag to leave. Fuck. I watched her go into the corridor and slowly made my way to the table where everyone sat.

"Did you eat anything?", Will asked sweetly.  
"Yeah I did", I smile at him.  
"Where's disaster girl?", he scoffs and everyone glares at him.  
"Stop calling her that", I say through gritted teeth glaring at him.  
"Whoa..calm down. I was just-"  
"You were just? What? Trying to be cool. This isn't high school, Will.", I say frustrated looking over to Will and then Lincoln, to which he starts sipping his juice.

"Oh come on, don't fight. You guys just got together yesterday.", Jasper reminded cheerily.

"We're not fighting, I'm just saying.", I say swinging my bag over my shoulder looking at Raven.

"Let's go, Reyes. We have class."

Raven nodded getting up as she kissed Finn on his cheek to walk over to me.

"Glad you told him to knock it off or Lexa would have burned holes in his skull with her glare.", she chuckled.

"He was being rude.", I state as a matter of factly. I sighed, what if I made the wrong choice by being hasty about dating Will.

The last class of the day, Biology, went on. Everyone was either drawing in their notebooks or taking notes. A few people texted, wow they really weren't scared of the teacher. Suddenly, the speakers surrounding the class delivered a message.

"Good afternoon students, this is an announcement regarding of how the dorm rooms of some students have been changed as to allow only segregated dorms for either boys or girls have to be maintained, a new rule. We hope that you are aware and function according to it. Your new dorm rooms will be announced on the board after College ends for the day. Thank you."

The whole class groaned and whined sheepishly.  
I was taking notes till I felt a sharp pain slice through my abdomen. My pen fell out of my grip. Putting a hand over my stomach in attempt to soothe the ache wasn't really a good idea since I grew nauseous instantly. Soon, it became difficult to breathe.

"Psst, Clarke..", I heard Will hiss.  
"What?", I groaned internally turning to him. I wanted to be left alone, especially in this pain.

"I'm sorry for what happened today I was just trying to get to know your friends, there's so many. I grew anxious.", his apology seemed sincere.

"Yeah, okay.", I nodded unbothered but still struggling to pay attention to what he was saying.

"You look pale...are you okay?", Will asked worriedly, his hand extending to touch me.

"I'm gonna leave", I say getting up before my pain got worse.

Wrong move. It felt as if a thousand stabs impaled me with every step forward.

"Griffin, back in your seat.", the teacher spat sternly.

I could feel my palms growing sweaty and my forehead cold. What was happening to me? I don't remember eating anything bad. I couldn't speak or think and everything slowed down. It scared me.

"She's not well, please excuse her", Anya, who sat beside Finn screamed from the back row. Oh how thankful I was for that girl in this moment.

"Go to medical", the teacher handed me a pass. Hell fuck no. I'm going to my dorm. I thought to myself. My grip weak, barely being able to walk I exited the class after what felt like eternity.  
This couldn't be my period, it was a week early if it was. Which was unusual and something I was unprepared for.

My body slid against the wall, unable to keep standing. Walking felt as if I had to climb a mountain, I felt a hard hit to my head, my body now horizontal on the floor. I groaned in pain looking around the empty hall way , the sight making me more dizzy, hoping a janitor or someone could come across. The teacher's pass slipped out of my hand onto the floor and I slipped into a dark state of unconsciousness.

 **Alec's POV**  
Sociology had just ended for me and I was the first one to leave class, ten minutes earlier than the day had to end cause I finished the test early. Not to brag or anything but leaving class before time felt great. I sighed, a smile grew upon my face seeing the corridors, chairs all empty. In a matter of few minutes everyone would be frantically crowded at their lockers, running to their dorms, whatever.

My feet took me to the Science Department for the first time. The boards filled with medical terms and posters, teachers could be heard conducting classes loudly. My eyes scanned the ground, distracted by a presence. My breath hitched in my throat and fear came over me as I saw a limp body in the middle of the corridor. I ran for dear life recognising who it was.

"Oh my god, Clarke", I stroke her face.  
Sweaty, cold, pale. Her breathing shallow but she's knocked out. I saw my white shirt stain red on the end where I bent near her leg. Immediately, it occurred to me what had happened.

"Fuck..", I cursed to myself and scooped Clarke up in my arms, hurriedly running to her dorm as the bell was about to go off and a crowd wouldn't be good. I wonder who let her out of class without any help whatsoever.


	9. Falling slowly

**Clarke's POV**

Wake. Wake. Wake. I felt trapped in my own body. I wasn't in control and it freaked me out. Nothing but darkness availed me. I breathed out but had nothing to breathe in. I was falling apart, losing myself. I felt my face become wet. I screamed. It's like no one could hear. My chest contracted with the tightness my mind couldn't bear. Clarke. That's who I was. I heard a voice. A similar voice. Calling out to me. The voice I remember hearing when she had to leave and she was scared.

"She isn't waking up. I'm scared."  
"She will, don't worry."

But I was awake.

"Clarke, wake up."  
"Give me the bucket"  
"Raven no-"  
And splash.

My senses heightened and my body rushed into panic mode to save it from drowning. I coughed, clutching my aching abdomen. I gasped for air. coughing. Opening my eyes to see all my friends standing. My breathing irregular.

"Clarke, are you okay?", Lexa rushed to my side wrapping a towel around me. Her green worried eyes, it was her. She was the scared one.

I looked around the room, everyone staring at me like I murdered their mother. I looked over to Lexa, the only one who wasn't looking at me in a scary way.

"Yeah, I-how did I get here? I walked out of class to-"  
"To fall. You passed out, Clarke.", Alec stated.  
"Oh, yeah that explains my head."  
"Let's go guys. Feel better Clarke, see you tomorrow.", Raven said hurriedly putting her arms around Finn and Jasper to drag them out.  
"I'll move out too", Alec says before he leaves, a little awkward.  
I look over to Lexa who's standing at the edge of the bed. Deep down hoping she wouldn't leave.

"Where's Octavia?"  
"Dorm change. You know about that?", Lexa fumbled with her hands.  
"Yeah, I was alive then.", I scoff embarrassed of my current condition.  
"Don't say that. You didn't die, Clarke.", Lexa spoke defensively.  
"Who's my new dorm mate?", I ask.  
"Me", Lexa states smirking.  
"Ugh, what a pain", I joke.  
Bad joke. She looks hurt for a second and then catches on that I'm joking.  
"I'm kidding, Lexa"  
"Yeah, I know", she smiles tiredly.  
"You should change, you're bleeding all over your bed.", Lexa pointed.

"I'm WHAT?", I scream getting up from my bed to almost trip on the sheet. What even was she talking about?  
"Easy..", Lexa held onto my arm, stabilizing my fall.

"This is so embarrassing. All the guys saw, I'm so stupid.", I say covering my face feelings tears threatening to spill.

"Clarke, please don't cry. This is getting worse as you delay.", Lexa whispered walking me to the bathroom.

I avoided her gaze. I had always been alone, an only child. Never did I have so much attention towards me and it was a bit contradicting how I felt about it still. I lean against the door frame.

"You okay?", Lexa asked.

"Got it. Thank you.", I say refusing to let my eyes see her face. I walk into the bathroom and shut the door.

 **Lexa's POV**

Clarke walked into the bathroom shutting the door in my face. I wondered if she needed any help, or so she would say. I rip off the wet, bloody bedsheet from her bed and throw it across the room. The mattress stained too, damn. College could deal with that itself later. I look across the room to see my bed. Only accommodating a single person. It's okay we've slept in together before too but still I grow anxious.

I set the bed and decide that if Clarke isn't comfortable with us sleeping together again then I can manage myself on the ground for a night. It's not quite hard.

Twenty minutes or so later, the door unlocked. Clarke stepped out in a yellow Tweety night suit. I chucked at how cute she looked. My adoration for her elevated when her blue eyes matched my gaze.

"How you feeling?", I say breathlessly.

"Good. I swear, showers are man's best creation.", Clarke says smiling.

"Yeah uh, so, your bed isn't very fit to sleep in tonight. You can take mine. It's okay I'll manage on the ground for one night.", I say between coughs.

"Lexa, you're ill too. We both can take the bed. It's no big deal we've had a sleepover earlier too."

"Yeah, I'm cool with that.", I said casually, freaking out on the inside.  
Wow she seemed very okay with it but then again why wouldn't she be?  
She threw her towel on the empty bed and sat beside me.

"So much pain.", Clarke weakly complained.  
"Terrible, horrible. It's like someone inside is just chewing on your abdomen.", I contribute.  
"You know what? It feels like that Saw movie or whatever the hell, my insides are being slashed and my body has been thrown into a cement mixer.", Clarke spoke, her eyes wide with wonder.

"Gruesome", I stick my tongue out.  
"What is there to eat?", she asks innocently. Her sudden change of tone was so childish I couldn't help but laugh.

"Bananas help with cramps. You're eating those tonight and so am I."  
"Lexa, that's not dinner.", Clarke frowned disappointed.

"Are you hungry enough for dinner?" I ask my eyebrows furrowed.

"I'm nauseous, I won't eat. I'm asking for you.", she whispers. I liked how she thought about me in her agony too.

"Don't worry I'm fine. You're the one here in a much disastrous situation. Your uterus is trying to kill itself by cutting off blood supply for fucks sake! I'm okay, Clarke.", I say chuckling and patting her thigh.

"Ow..I'm going to lie down.", she groans.

"Okay. You do so, I'll get you the fruit.", I walk over to the table to pick out two bananas and a few strawberries.  
Making my way to sit beside her. Our heads resting against the headboard.  
"Eat up", I say handing her the plate.  
"Eye contact during banana eating is prohibited.", Clarke says suppressing a laugh. We both end up giggling though.  
"Oh God, you're so childish. I'm not some horny dude who's going to get aroused by watching you eat a fruit.", I wave my hands around.

"Great then.", she smiled peeling a banana.

"So, you never told me you were bisexual.", I start off hinting at the reveal back at lunch.

Note: Still a sucker at conversation starters.

"You never asked! Plus, it's not that big a deal.", Clarke stated chewing.  
"Fair enough. Finish the food quick you have to take your pain meds or else you'll go into overdrive and faint again.", I stated worriedly.  
"Okay, mom. What's your sexuality?", she asked curiously.  
"I'm a lesbian, yeah. Never really experienced any sort of attraction to a male.", I reply.  
"That's cool, wow I didn't know that about you.", Clarke smiles at me appreciatively. I return one.  
"Who brought me here after I passed out?", she continued.  
"Oh, it was Alec. He got off early and he saw you outside your class so he hurriedly brought you here. You were bleeding quite a lot.", I state.  
"Yeah, he wasn't grossed out or anything?", Clarke asked hesitantly as she turned away the screen of her phone from my view.  
"No not all, we weren't raised that way, Clarke. There's nothing disgusting about a natural body process. Plus, Alec and I have always had to share rooms so we grew close. You got any siblings?", I say after a lecture of comforting her not to feel ashamed.

"No, an only child.", she chuckled picking up a strawberry.

"You're probably really annoyed at me right now. Taking up your bed again, sorry.", Clarke said putting the strawberry she picked up back and looking down.

"No, I told you. I like being around you, Clarke. You don't pay attention. How are you going to make it to med school?", I playfully taunt picking up a strawberry.

"You're so nice. I've been nothing but a bitch to you today and you still move forward.", Clarke looks up. Her piercing blue eyes even more heavenly from a view this close to her face.

"Well, that's just me.", I say carrying the strawberry close to her lips. She opens her mouth and leans forward as to which I quickly shove the fruit into my own mouth. Should have seen that coming.

"Ha, you thought I was nice. Spoke to soon, Griffy.", I laugh clutching my stomach. Clarke gaped.

"Don't call me that! Sounds like a dog.", she pouted and continued eating the fruit.

"I'm so happy when I don't have homework. It's like world peace for my brain.", I say.

"I can't even move. I should take the meds now, the pain is elevating," Clarke winced as to which I jumped out of bed to help find her medication.

I hand her two tablets and a glass of water. Turning the lights off I lie down. Dammit, there really is no space.

"You okay?", Clarke asks.  
"I'm fine.", I lie.  
"Lexa, help. I'm falling off.", she whisper screams.  
I hold onto her waist protectively.  
"I lied, Clarke. I'm falling off too.", I snicker and move closer.  
"Hey, Lexa. I think I'm falling for you.", Clarke whispered before she burst into fits of laughter.  
"Oh no, that was so bad!", I laugh acting like that pun didn't just give me a heart attack at all.

"Ow..I can't even laugh my abdomen aches.", Clarke tells me.  
"I know a way we can fit on his plank ass of a bed. Move in.", I order.  
From my side I scoot close as I can till we both are side by side.  
"Come onto my arm", I whisper.  
"Okay, bossy pants.", Clarke huffs laying on my arm.  
"Nicee, you comfy.", Clarke compliements.

Her legs drape over mine. She nuzzled her head into my shoulder, her breathing regularising. I closed my eyes for a second, inhaling and exhaling.

"You feeling any better than you did this morning?", she asks me, putting her hand over my stomach. My lips twitched into a smile at her action.  
"Well, yeah much better. I looked like a zombie this morning, cast me The Walking Dead", I laugh to myself.  
"You looked cute."  
"You can't lie, Clarke. At least not to me."  
"Dammit, Woods. Always a buzzkill."

 **Clarke's POV**

I chuckle to myself. I tried so hard to distract myself from the nerve wrecking pain that grew. Stupid meds don't work instantly. I turned my body to the side, hugging Lexa as tightly as I could. I gulped painfully.

"You okay?", she asks.

I don't answer and hold onto her hand. After a few seconds, I feel Lexa's grip tighten onto me. She hugged me back, not too tight and not too loose. I loved it. In hopes of the pain draining down, I grew tired. A tear slipped my eye. Lexa let go of my hand. A bit disappointed I was at that but to find out that it was cause' she wanted to wipe away the tear that fell on my cheek.

"Cry, I won't mind.", she says softly.  
"How'd you see the tear in the dark?", I asked confused.  
"You seem like you're in a lot of pain, Clarke. Don't be afraid.", she encourages.

"I'm not afraid of crying in front of you, Lexa. I'm afraid of losing y-, losing people. They just come and go and make me feel all these things. I give in to think they actually care.", I say absentmindedly. What was I even saying?

"I care", Lexa says immediately.  
"I won't leave you that easy. I promise.", Lexa continued sincerely. A sense of security coated me.

"Pinky promises last forever.", I argue.  
"I pinky promise I won't let go of your petty ass", Lexa says laughing heartily. Her laugh was quite magical.  
"Yay. Hey, got any scary ghost stories?", I say cheerily as my pain decided to fade away gradually.  
"Hmmm, let's see.", Lexa lost into thought as her chin rested above my head and her free hand played with my fingers. I blushed to myself.

"This one time, I was alone in my room and there was quite a little bit of light coming in from the window or something. Alec was asleep and there was this white casted shadow near the door. I didn't dare move all night, sweating and frozen in fear. I didn't want to draw attention to myself. When daylight came, I saw that it was actually just my school uniform hanging and that the lack of light showcased it as a person standing in the dark. That's the scariest for me.", she chuckled.

I could feel goosebumps on her skin and her heart rate sky rocketed.  
"That was scary, damn.", I say yawning and hugging her tighter.  
"You're a dork, Lexa."  
"Please"  
"How's your pain?", Lexa asked.  
"Almost gone, Thank the Lord.", I say gracefully.  
"Mmm, I don't know but I've read online that during cramps just put your own hand or someone else's on your abdomen and it sort of soothes the pain.", Lexa explained.  
"You can try, my own hand isn't very effective. I have been doing that.", I confess.  
Lexa hesitantly rested her palm upon my abdomen.  
"Here?" she asked.  
"A bit lower", I bite my lip sensitive to the touch, the ache made it weak.  
A few seconds passed, her hand stayed still.  
"So what are you supposed to do?"  
"Nothing, it just stays there. It's supposed to help.", Lexa states as if it's always a good result for this to work out.  
"Can I call you Lex?", I ask.  
"Whatever makes you happy", Lexa replies after a few seconds. I could hear the smile in her voice.  
"Okay so ask if it's a girl or a boy!", I say playfully gesturing to the way her hand lay on my stomach.  
"Clarke, when will you grow up?", Lexa laughed sheepishly.  
"Please Lex, just ask I've got a great joke."  
"Ah, I know what your 'great' means", she spoke grinning ear to ear.  
"Okay Clarke, so is it a girl or a boy?", she continued.  
"It's 40 Chicken McNuggets!", I laugh hysterically groping onto the comforter.  
"You're such a loser, Clarke..", Lexa laughed, shaking her head.

I thought about how differently this day started and how peculiar it ended. I have a boyfriend who didn't even bother to come check up on me but here I am, unbothered. Peacefully, lying down with someone who I'm trying to kill my feelings for and she just makes it harder. Her laugh, her smile. The way she says my name and how her hair blows in the wind, yet she manages to beat all the best models I have ever seen on the covers. Bright green eyes looking into mine, the change in her voice and the natural sacrificial quality of treating others better than treating her own self were my favourite qualities of her.

"Sleep...", Lexa whispered in a sleepy voice, her lips moving against my forehead.

"Good night, Lexa.", I whisper.  
After a few seconds, light snores start off and Lexa's chest heaves up and down at a steady rate. I close my eyes and think about how tomorrow is going to be. One thing was for sure, this moment was so besutiful and so pure that I wanted to freeze it in time, except for my pain destroying my internal system. I wouldn't want anything else to change. I knew now for sure that I had fallen for the brunette in Pre-Engineering.


	10. Eavesdrop

**Lexa's POV**

I wake up alone in my bed. The white curtain in the white room drawn to the side, directly allowing golden rays of sunshine to burn into my pupils.

Terrific. I wonder if Clarke was going to attend classes today. Just then she entered the room. Wearing a white V-neck shirt with dark blue jeans, she looked her absolute best.

"Hey Lexa, you're awake.", she smiled.

"Yeah..Will you be attending classes today?", I ask.

"No, I don't think I can. I practically dragged myself to medical in the morning and then to grab supplies for a new sheet and mattress.", she exhaled flopping on her bed tiredly.

"I like your boots", I say examining her footwear.

"Thanks you", she replies happily her smile breaking out into a grin.

"You could have woken me up, Clarke. I could have helped you. My classes start late today.", I worriedly state feeling useless.

"Nah, it's alright. Bittersweet pain, I actually kind of enjoyed it. I don't really know how to explain it. Plus, I got to watch you drool so that was fun.", Clarke pressed her lips together.

"Meanie. Next time I'll drool on your head and see how you find it funny.", I say chuckling and getting up.  
"If you ever manage to wake up before I do, you may.", she replied clearly proud of her statement.

"I'll collect it in a small box and throw it on you.", What the hell was I saying.

"Disgusting, I'll kill you. Anyways, since you're a known waffle enthusiast I wanted to let you know they are being served in the cafeteria.", she smiled a 'you're welcome' and waited for a reaction.

A smile grew upon my face. Feeling like a kid in a candy shop. Yes, I had been waiting. My stomach grumbled instantly reminding me of how I didn't even bother with a proper dinner in my system.

"Your system sure reacts fast", Clarke teased raising an eyebrow. My breath hitched in my throat.

"Shut up!", I throw my head back in embarrassment.

Clarke and I walked into the cafeteria to see Monty and Octavia sitting on one of the tables.

"It is Wednesday my dudes..", Clarke quoted the video that was going viral all over social media of some random guy.

"Yo, thanks for not dying yesterday.", Octavia's fist collided with Clarke's as a victory sign.

"We were worried but Raven said you were being taken care of very well", Monty smiled exchanging glances between us. Clarke's cheeks turned crimson and I'm pretty sure so did mine.

"Yeah well Raven's right, as always", Clarke said as her stare lingered onto me.

"I'll go get pancakes-, I mean waffles", I laugh nervously as anxiety dug a pit into my stomach.

Walking away I couldn't help but tug on the red sleeves of my shirt. Was Clarke into me or no? She seemed pretty frank with everyone and now that she's in a relationship my chances are slim to none. Will seems like a nice guy but I'm pretty sure my internalised jealously is just acting up to shade him as a fuckboy. Since none of us know him pretty well, not even Clarke knows him that well but she jumped into a relationship with him. That seemed very un-Clarke like, I thought to myself. It then dawned upon me that I myself barely knew anything about Clarke. Sure we were best friends in the past but the probability of her being the exact same wasn't very good. So many questions, so many duties. I couldn't pick a right moment to tell Clarke about my identity. I don't know what kind of reaction will be thrown my way, if it'll be acception or rejection. Overthinking kills each and every bead of motivation that builds up my confidence. It feels like a lifetime to gather up the courage to even look at her in the eye and takes a few seconds to fall apart. Maybe some secrets are better off untold. The thought sort of calmed my nerves, I tried pulling my cowardly self together. Walking back to the table with two plates to hear Octavia ask.

"So how's Will? Where has he been?"  
My gaze curiously flickered to Monty and Octavia.

Clarke suddenly seemed nervous.  
"Uh, yeah um, he said he was busy with his rugby practice this morning.", she replied tucking away a strand of blonde behind her ear.

"What about last night? Where was he then?", I ask in a disapproving tone stuffing my mouth with food.

"I don't know, Lexa. I didn't bother back then I was in too much pain.", Clarke replied irritably.

I blinked a few times before deciding to drop the topic. Clarke got up to throw the trash.

"It was good seeing you all. I'm going back to my room.", Clarke informs sighing.

"If anything comes up just text us and we'll be there to help you. Even if it's class or something, don't hesitate.", Monty smiles reassuringly.

"Yeah", Octavia and I say a bit too loud.  
"Thanks", Clarke smiled sadly, a small wave as she walked away.

I sigh and put down my fork.  
"Something is not right", I gulp confused.

"Yeah, starting with the fact Will lied about rugby practice, he's been smoking all morning with his friends on the bleachers.", Monty whispered leaning forward between Octavia and I.

"What a dick? Also, I didn't know we were allowed to smoke on campus?", Octavia gaped.

I felt my body tense up. He was lying to her. Why would he do that? Other than that, his girlfriend was in a painful state and he didn't give two shits to check up on her. My fingers angrily grasped onto the table, my breathing getting heavier. Rage built up inside and I walked out the cafeteria to go out into the field. I was about to step out till I realised that Will stood near the door with two of his friends. Pressing my back against the door I decided to wait a few seconds for my anger to cool off before I had a conversation with him. Till then it was me some what eavesdropping on their conversation unintentionally.

"Hey man, heard you're dating that hot chick?", an unfamiliar voice said loudly in a congratulatory tone.

My senses alert as to fully pay attention.

"Oh yeah, it's that hot chick in the pre-med section", Will laughed and I heard a clap as in to figure someone probably high fived.

"Score! Though word is going around that your girl collapsed in the hallway yesterday or some scary shit?", one of them asked Will again.

My jaw clenched, 'his girl', screw that. I took a deep breath and pressed my ear further on the door.

"Dude, apparently it was something completely gross, disgusting. She texted me that she was on her period and she wasn't well and all. I was like 'yikes why are you telling me', it's annoying. Especially in this state women should keep to themselves and stay away from men.", my eyebrows furrowed in confusion and disbelief.

How dumb could this guy even get? This was unacceptable.

"I understand, bro. So she's just a fling?", a acquaintance once again asked him a question I wanted to hear the answer to, or did I?

"A fling, a temporary fix, whatever you call it. I'm not looking for a relationship. First instinct was to choose Clarke as she's kind of popular around here and I could use that.", he went on and on but I refused to listen.

He was going to break her heart and the thought of that shattered mine. I couldn't let that happen. Screw everything. Rage took over me and I stepped into view. Will stood in the middle with two guys by his side, they looked over at me.

"Hey hottie", one of them winked. Disgusted, I flipped him off. I angrily stared at the two puppets as to notify them that they should leave as soon as possible.

"See you later, dude", the two guys looked onto Will before my bitter gaze continued to follow them till they disappeared.

"Ah yes, disaster girl, to what do I owe this pleasure?", he smiled cockily.

"Listen here you son of a bitch, stay the fuck away from Clarke.", I say stepping forward, my voice low and stern.

"Oh and why would I do that? Cause' you said so? Who even are you? Lexa Worm?"

"Woods", I say sternly. How dare he disrespect my surname?

"Worm.", he chuckled clearly enjoying.  
"I heard everything, you're a sick bastard.", I say grabbing his collar and shoving him into the wall he stood against.

A expression of pain crossed his face for a second, then a smile and he erupted into fits of laughter.  
How could he find any of this funny?

"I'm not scared of you. Not even a little bit. You know why? I may be a prick, the most horrible human ever, I'd be better than you. By the way, were you eavesdropping?", he realised and his blue eyes sharply pierced into my green ones.

"I was passing by", I lied gulping.  
Keep a straight face. Don't let him overpower you. He's the culprit here.

"You can't lie, Lexa. Stop lying to me. To yourself, to Clarke, to everyone.", he said digging his hands in his pocket casually, it enraged me. My fist was wrapped tightly around his collar grasping it and pinning him against the wall.

"What are you talking about?", I gritted angrily.

"I may or may not have found a diary, no wait, a journal, brown cover, jet black heart poured into it. I always knew you were a disaster, Lexa.", he spat bitterly putting his finger to his lip imitating the action as if he was in deep thought.

No, this couldn't be happening. How could he have had read my journal? It's always with me.

"Dorm change. Shifted to your room. Side table drawer. A sadistic little book. Awh, you're so broken." he fake wiped a tear, a evil smirk played on his non existent lips.

In that moment my grip on his shirt loosened, my lungs felt like they lost their functioning, I couldn't breathe. The only thing I could hear was my heartbeat in my ears. Shakily taking a step back, I looked down, running my hand through my hair. I tried recalling everything. That day I was so worried about Clarke being unwell I shifted to the dorm hurriedly, forgot my fucking journal. Out of all places to forget it had to be Will's room.

"Tell you what, mind your own shit. I bet you wouldn't want Clarke to find out like this, through me.", he whispered stepping closer.

"No", I looked up with tears blurring my vision, desperation in my voice.

"Good. Since you heard my 'fuckboy' material conversation I think we both have some important secrets to seal. Right?", he confirmed.

As much as I hated the fact that he had power over me and was taking advantage of how vulnerable I was in this situation, I lightly nodded.

"Your anger is supposed to be in control and you're supposed to stay away from both, Clarke and I.", he reminded the last part as if I already didn't know. A playful scoff escaped his mouth before he turned on his heel and left.

A few tears spilled through my eyes as I fell to my knees. My heart felt like it escalated to my throat. I wiped my forehead that sweat profusely as a result of a panic reaction, I could feel myself go hot and cold at the same time. This wasn't good. Shaky hands found their way for me to sit against the wall. Hugging my knees close to my chest. Quivering, I try to gain control over my respiratory system somehow. Nausea dominating its way in my system as I worried about how much could be lost if Will revealed who I was to Clarke. What would she think of me? What would our whole group of friends think of me? Alec was right, I should have told her earlier. Now I can't even go near her without that bastard keeping an eye on me. Not now, not after all that I've been through. This wasn't happening. Not to me. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this.


	11. Sealed

**Clarke's POV**

I stayed in my dorm the entire afternoon, alone. Boredom took over me. I wish someone had a break so maybe they could come meet me. Paracetamols and orange juice were my the only thing I could ingest apparently, everything else was gagged upon. Just as I was about to click the next video on my YouTube reccomendation, my phone rang. The screensaver changed to a picture of my mom and sense of relief came over me.

"Hey mom!", I cheerily say into the phone.

"Hello, Clarke. How are you?", my mom replied.

"Uh, yeah not good but I'm managing. Same old cramps and being a woman.", I laugh.

"Take care of yourself. I hope your huge group of friends, what you kiddos call a 'squad', is taking care of you since you make them sound like saints.", I could hear her smile. Same old mom.

"They are, right now they are in classes. Lexa's my roommate thankfully, she doesn't budge till I've taken all my meds and necessary supplies.", I say realising how much Lexa actually cares about me. Not that I hadn't noticed before but her approach was different.  
A good different. This was the first time I was talking to my mother about someone so specifically from school, about Lexa and it made my heart go frenzy in the ribcage.

"Wait, Lexa? The name sounds familiar. Didn't you have an old friend called Lexa, sweety?", Mom reminded like I ever forgot.

"Yeah, it's really creepy how much she reminds me of her sometimes. If only I had some more information other than her first name on how to find her. Maybe I could have figured if this was the same person.", I say lowly, my mood dropping like my voice.

"Oh well, she's in the past now. You have to stop thinking about finding her, Clarke. Why not focus on this new Lexa? Maybe this is a somewhat fateful second chance?", Mom says and I wonder how different that sounds from her point of view.

"You should be telling me to focus on my studies. Is this really Abby Griffin on the other side?", I joke as to lift the mood before I turned into a sad little porcupine to mope around in my sadness of being an only child that got abandoned by the only friend she ever had trusted and fallen in love with.

"I just want you to be happy. Okay, now take care. I have to go. Jackson just paged me in emergency. Love you. Thank Lexa for me.", Mom said hurriedly and I could imagine her phone pressed to her ear by her shoulder, rummaging through her stuff to get on her lab coat and run off into the Emergency Section.

"Love you too, mom. Tell dad to call later.", I say before the line drops.

A flat tone vibrates deadly in my ear.  
Right then, the door bursts open and I jump up scared.

"What the fuck?", I say with my hand heaving over my chest.

Lexa slams the door shut, her face looking like she just saw a ghost. She kicks off her shoes. What the hell was going on?

"Lexa what happened-"  
"I don't have time for this right now. Leave me alone.", Lexa replied thickly her voice dripping with anger and distress, her hand raised up in my direction indicating me off back off.

I was so confused yet I remained silent.  
And then I understood, she's having a panic attack. She threw off her jacket, pacing, running her hands through her hair. Her gaze unfocused wherever she looked and she chose to look everywhere except for at me.

I wanted to help her but just as I got up she ran towards the bathroom. Locking the door. I walked and pressed my ear against the door.  
"Are you okay?", I say biting my lip. I hope she doesn't lash out.

 **Lexa's POV**  
After skipping two classes cause' I couldn't pull myself together and leave, my condition got worse. I didn't know where else to go, everyone was busy. I came back to my room, forgotten that Clarke was there. She didn't need to see me like this. I didn't need to be seen like this. I gulped and stared at myself in the mirror. Tear stained, dull exhausted eyes stared back. My hair was a mess but at least my hands stopped shaking. Turning the faucet I splash cold water all over my face.

"Are you okay?", a worried voice asks.

Clarke.

I take a deep breath. Thinking about how I'm going to face her, what I'll say. I open the door to step out.

"Hey", I croak.  
Clarke who's sitting on her bed looks up.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, its fine.", she says understandingly.

Why can't more people be as kind as her? I sit on my bed, across her.  
"Panic attack", we both in unison, finally looking at each other.  
"I...had a panic attack. It was bad. I couldn't go to class. I missed two classes, Math and Chemistry. Then, I freaked out more over how I was going to cover shit taught in that class and it got worse.", I tell her the partial truth.  
"What triggered the attack?", Clarke asked hesitantly not wanting me to snap. I felt gutted that I spoke so harshly with her. None of this was her fault, it was mine. I couldn't tell her what triggered.  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to speak that way to you. I-I just-", I say but she cuts me off.  
"Sssh, you don't have to say sorry for anything.", Clarke gets up from her place to sit beside me.  
"No, I'm just saying-"  
"I understand", she smiles encouragingly. Her palm rested upon my knee cap.  
"I feel trapped. I hate it.", I say shaking my head, looking down.  
"I know how to make you feel better. Come on let's go.", Clarke gets up grabbing the car keys from my side table.  
"Let's not, I can't drive.", I make up an excuse. I couldn't go out with her like this.  
"I can"  
"Clarke, please", I beg  
"Do you trust me?", she says putting her hands on her waist and putting the car keys back.  
I look up at her. I did trust her.  
"I do", I whisper. Her face displays emotions of sympathy and thankfulness. Her hand extends.  
"Come on", she whispers.  
"I don't want to leave campus.", I stated tiredly.  
"Then I have another place in mind.", she smirked.

Next thing I know my hand held on to hers and we walked out.  
"Okay, so I don't think we're allowed but just try to stay lowkey.", Clarke whispers.  
I wonder where we were off to.  
We had to go up a flight of stairs. The mystery intrigued me.  
"Clarke, where are we going?", I ask.  
"You'll thank me.", she says as we reach a metallic silver door.  
It opens to a pretty section of the rooftop of the college. The cold wind blew a little too hard, my hair flew all over the place. It felt nice. I trodded a few steps forward, spreading my arms out, looking up at the light blue sky. Birds flying, crows, sparrows. I inhaled slowly and exhaled slower. The air seemed fresher than it ever has. A sense of freedom ignited in me.  
This was exactly the kind of environment I was looking for.  
"You're welcome.", Clarke shouts leaning against the door frame.  
I smile looking over to her and she grins and makes her way to an old bench in the corner.  
"Uh, I wouldn't use that if I were you.", I chuckled.  
"You will when you tire.", she stuck her tongue out.  
"Might as well sit down now", I reply sitting beside her. Always a fool that gives in.  
"My mom called, she was asking about me and she told me to thank you.", Clarke tells me.  
"Oh, how does she know me? Thank...for what?", why was everyone being so confusing today.  
"For helping me and all. I've told her about all of you and that you worry the most which is not exactly a good habit but I get its so sweet of you.", she says brushing her hair out of her face. Her eyes light up at the mention of her mother. I wish I could experience the same kind of happiness every time I had to think about my parents.  
"Tell her that as long as I'm with , I'll never let anything bad happen to you.", I look down. I really meant that.  
"Gosh, you're such a mom friend Lexa.", Clarke giggled.  
After few minutes of silence, Clarke leans back.  
My phone vibrates in my jean pocket and I hesitantly pull it out.

Text: Unknown Number

Who could this be?  
 **I glance over to Clarke to see her head resting against the wall and her eyes closed. I use this moment to unlock my phone to see the message quickly.**

"I saw you leave with Clarke. Do whatever you want but remember my lips are sealed, as long as yours are too."

I delete the message instantly. A lump rising in my throat I shove the device in my pocket. I knew exactly who it was.

"You've told your parents about us all?", Clarke questioned about our group leaning forward.  
I sigh and look at her. She doesn't know. I guess I'll let her in on a bit now.  
"They probably know.", I say looking up at the sky and chuckling.  
It took a few seconds for Clarke to catch on before her expression changed from curiosity to pity.

"I'm so s-sorry", she stuttered.

"You didn't know.", my turn to cut off.  
Clarke used both her hands to grip one of mine. Her grasp firm.

"I'm always here for you, I hope you know that.", she says her voice cracking and her eyes showed how sincere she was.

"Yeah I know. Can we talk about my parents another time? Let's talk about something else.", I ask genuinely not wanting to go down the memory lane.

"We don't have to talk at all.", Clarke smiles reassuringly, freeing one hand to pat my thigh and the other to lock her fingers with mine.

Oh how I wish I could enjoy this moment wholeheartedly without the weight of living.

 **A/N : poor lexa ugh sorrynotsorry for hurting mom so much ANYWAYS thoughts about this** **chapter REVIEW GUIZ,REVIEWS ARE LIKE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES FOR MEH.**


	12. Approach

**Alec's POV**

Saturday morning I left campus to go to a park nearby for a jog. The greenery pleased my eyes, the oxygen was fresher and the sense of being healthy was motivating. Plugging my earphones my feet began to brisk against the rocky pavement creating a screeching sound.

The pond nearby accommodated a few ducks, small rabbits remained in their cages quietly nibbling on their food. Animals always brought a smile upon my face. I leaned down to peek into the cage. Licking my lips I look around to make sure no guards were coming as I tried to unlock the cage. Damn, the locks were tough.

"Why would you want to free them, Alexander?", a voice questioned.  
"Magnus Bane", I say turning around.  
"Hello, Alexander. If you would have freed those rabbits they would have been eaten by the birds before you could have even pet them. The eagles fly over for a reason, look.", he pointed towards a few lined up.

"I never noticed.", I was shocked.  
Magnus proceeded to throw bread from a bag he held in his hand on to the ducks swimming in the pond.

"I don't like animals trapped. It doesn't feel right.", I said uneasy.

"Oh well, I agree it's kind of cruel.", Magnus shook his head. His gaze shifting from his shoes to the rabbits.

"Alright, bye. I have to go for a run.", I say plugging my earphones back in.

"Alexander, wait. There's something I need to tell you.", Magnus spoke his hand lay on my arm for a split second.  
I turned my attention towards him.

"Over these past few weeks my feelings for you have grown. I can't stop thinking about how you are they way that you are, which is so beautiful. Give me a chance I can prove to you that I am worthy of your time.", Magnus pleaded.

"Magnus, I don't know what to say. You are worthy of my time, always.", I say as a matter of factly.

"One date, that's all. After that if you aren't satisfied, I won't push you.", Magnus continued his posture firm and his tone formal. It was extremely rare to see him like this.

"Sounds great. Tomorrow at seven?", I confirm.

"Be ready. I'll pick you up.", he smiled and turned around to a flock of ducks now moving towards him. I grinned ear to ear as I got further away, processing what had happened. Magnus asked me out. I've always been curious of how he can be but maybe tomorrow will give me a better chance to explore, hopefully, a new side to him.

-

Next day, Magnus Bane stood in his room, in front of the giant full length mirror on the side. He observed his outfit in the mirror, sighing to himself, still not satisfied with the choice of his wardrobe. The room door flew open and Magnus turned his head to see a figure he wasn't expecting.

"Lexa?"  
"Hey", Lexa replied shyly, followed by a small wave.  
The ecastic boy walked over to her, his arms engulfing her in a hug. She hugged back, breathing out.

"My roommate is a annoying, petty, little bitch, God!", Magnus complained not knowing that Lexa knew exactly who his roommate was, Will. Pulling away from the hug to stare into anxious green eyes.

"What's wrong, you okay?", he asked worriedly.  
"Yeah, just missed you.", Lexa smiled weakly. She really did miss him.  
"I missed you too.", Magnus smiled appreciatively. Rarely was he ever told that his absence mattered.

Lexa's heart clenched in her chest nervously as she advanced to the side table, pulling the drawer open. There lay her journal. It came upon the eye so innocent and uninteresting, the bland brown cover, faded. Lexa felt a lump in her throat, the sick realisation of being exposed, of being aware of the fact that all her feelings, emotions, sorrows had been read by a total stranger. She felt nude. Her fingers traced the lifeless book as she picked it up.  
"That's yours?", Magnus questioned walking to stand by her.  
Lexa couldn't speak so she just nodded.

"I asked Alec out. He didn't seem very enthusiastic but also not neglectful so, is that a good thing?", worry dripped from each word that left the poor boy's mouth.

"Oh wow, that's nice. And yeah, Alec can be very bad at expressing his emotions when things take place all of a sudden. It's just the way he is.", Lexa confirmed shutting the drawer with her hip.

"It's Sunday, I have some work to catch up to. Good luck on your date, buddy.", Lexa says as she exited her old abode.  
"Thank you.", Magnus sighed as he once again decided that his current outfit wasn't satisfactory and that he needed to decide on one for six hours later.

-

"Monty, that was my curly fry!", Octavia yelled irritatedly smacking Monty's hand away.  
"I waited a whole five minutes before making a move on that one, you weren't picking it up, no one was!", Monty defended helplessly.  
"I was saving it for the last one.", Octavia leaned back in her chair crossing her arms over her chest as she stuck her tongue out.

"Aren't we doing something today? I swear the day I'm free you all are busy. Its very unfair.", Anya said walking around a Octavia and Raven's room where Bellamy was writing an essay on his laptop, while Lincoln and Alec were discussing what's the easiest way to tune a guitar. Raven, Octavia, Monty and Jasper were surrounded around a huge bucket of French fries.

"Did anyone bother checking up on Magnus, Lexa, Clarke and Finn?", Anya called out.  
"Yeah, they must be busy. I texted them an hour ago saying we were just hanging around in here.", Jasper stared at his phone screen intently.  
"What do you all think about Clarke and Will?", Octavia said in a tone which demanded a response.

Everyone put their activities on a halt to flicker gazes amongst each other.  
"I think they seem fine.", Monty furrowed his eyebrows shrugging.  
"I think it was a bit rushed, judging by the fact that she told me she saw a cute guy in her class and the next day she announced that they are dating.", Raven waved her hands around, her eyebrows raised indicating she wasn't really satisfied with Clarke's decision.

"That's true. I agree.", Anya spoke pointing her index finger in Raven's direction.

"I just hope she hasn't made a bad choice hastily. He seems alright, not kind of the individual that would surround himself with people of our kind but yeah as long as Clarke is happy, we should be supportive.", Bellamy insisted scratching his neck.  
Everyone nodded to his response, clearly agreed.

"Hey! Guess who got cupcakes?", Finn yelled entering the room with a cubical purple box in his hands, a smile on his lips.  
"We did!", Clarke cheered walking in.  
The room full of teenagers lit up, smiles erupted into grins and greetings.  
"Dibs on the sprinkles one.", Octavia called.  
"No way that's mine.", Monty teased.  
"Don't test me.", Octavia glared, reminding him of how he ate her French Fry earlier too.  
Monty huffed in defeat but happily chose another option.

Shortly after, the door creaked as it parted to show a slim figure enter.  
"Oh Lexa, come on we got these really nice cupcakes.", Finn said cheerily, curling his fingers as if they reeled her in.

Lexa walked in feeling uncomfortable for a odd reason. Couldn't exactly pin on why she felt at herself being a stranger in a room with all her friends.  
All eyes on her, waiting for her to indulge. Lexa's fingers pulled onto the sleeves of her sweater.

"What's the matter?", Clarke's face dropped when Lexa didn't reach for a taste from the box taking up her arms.  
"Nothing. I just, I just don't feel like eating anything.", Lexa said pressing her lips together, she glanced at Clarke's face apologetically. Lexa always knew Clarke would understand. Clarke's drooped shoulder slightly brushed against Lexa's as her eyes worriedly followed her trail, watching her proceeded to walk over to sit next to Bellamy.

"What are you writing about?", Lexa whispered.  
A small smile tugging at her lips as her eyes scanned the laptop screen curiously.

"Uh, the topic is heartbreak.", Bellamy sighed rubbing his temples. The empty format of Microsoft Word mocked Lexa's question since he had written nothing.

"Heartbreak?", Lexa raised her eyebrow, intrigued.

"Heartbreak.", Bellamy said in a manner indicating finality, this time looking over at Lexa.

"Word limit?", she questioned relaxing back into her seat.

"There isn't. Tell you what, I'm going to hand this assignment in empty. As I believe that heartbreak is something different for everyone. We all are individuals who process pain, happiness and heartbreak, emotions in general, differently. Heartbreak cannot be generalized. Anything can break your heart, really, no one has the power to tell you that you cannot be upset over something they don't think is sad. That's not how it works. I can't come to any conclusion or hell, even a start. Heartbreak and being heartbroken cannot be put into words, it's too large. It can only be felt.", Bellamy spoke shaking his head, as his eyes were glued onto the laptop keyboard where his fingers lay still.

Lexa was astonished at how accurately Bellamy provided an explanation on how not everyone understood some aspects which were a part of lie.

"Tell me the teacher's reaction when you hand 'nothing' in, okay?", Lexa said giving Bellamy's shoulder a gentle squeeze. Bellamy laughed heartily.

"What is this?", Bellamy said pointing at the journal in Lexa's lap.

"My journal. Started ten years ago, kept adding pages. Wrote less and less over time but yeah, still got it.", Lexa chuckled. Her hands automatically gripping the weak spine of the book tighter. So much for protecting, she scoffed at herself mentally.

"That's cool. Requires great dedication.", Bellamy grinned showing off his perfect set of white teeth.

"Doesn't everything?"

"Sure as hell does", the two chuckled.

"Oh, look the nerds are smiling. Maybe they'll talk to us too.", Octavia playfully faked a gasp, her eyes diverted towards Lexa and Bellamy.

"Chill out, O. What time is it?", Bellamy questioned.

"Time for us to stop being boring and go out, please, let's go bowling.", Raven exclaimed excitedly getting on her feet.

"Sounds like a plan, everyone.", Monty announced tying his shoe laces.

"I need my jacket, wait!", Lexa rushed out of the room.

"Hey Clarke, why don't you text Will and ask if he wants to come along?", Jasper suggested digging his hands in his pockets.

Clarke wasn't expecting an invite to Will. She hadn't seen him since a week. Clarke was frustrated over the fact that she tried to reach out to him but he left her message on a seen. Other than that, she tried finding him around college but every time he would either be busy or off campus. Why did he ask her out if all he was going to do was ignore her? Feeling like her group of friends already didn't approve of her boyfriend since he made a very bad first impression, especially towards Lexa. Clarke looked towards Lexa to see her gaze already fixed on her. An alarmed look on her face. Panic that surfaced which she tried to drown.

"Yeah, I'll text him.", Clarke replied dry as Raven stood next.

Seconds later, the notification indication went off loudly in the room. It was Clarke's phone, obviously. Her face suddenly dropped, she looked embarrassed. Red coloured it's way onto her face as Octavia and Raven exchanged questioning looks.

"It's a no.", Clarke chuckled mirthlessly. Closing her phone down she avoided Raven's stare, who she was pretty sure could read her texts. Raven immediately shot a worried glare at Octavia.

"We should leave now. It's getting late.", Lexa said entering the room putting on her black leather jacket.

"You guys go ahead, I can't.", Alec said hesitantly fumbling with his hands.

"Oh, come on. Why not?", Anya asked, a look of disappointment on her face.

"I have a dat-, data chart compilation project.", Alec stuttered scratching his neck.

"Data Chart Compliation haven't heard of any such project before though, oh well sucks for you Alec.", Raven taunted.

Lexa, tying her shoe laces, looked over to her brother wondering why he wouldn't disclose the actual reason. The only reason Lexa knew was cause' Magnus had told her when she went to take her journal.  
Alec's face took over a expression of relief as everyone seemed to have fallen for his lie. Little did he know that his sister actually knew. Lexa, curious as ever but knowing that boundaries are to be respected decided to not question his move.

-

"Strike, yes bitches! Bow down to your queen", Raven yelled throwing her hands up in victory, her teeth on display.

"You're no queen but you've got a great aim.", Octavia stuck her tongue out at Raven.

"Jealous, are we?", Raven teased. Her eyes glowing staring at the girl in front of her.

"Nah, not of you. I'm really good at this.", Octavia replied confidently grabbing the ball of her choice from the stand.

All eyes glued onto Octavia as she casually played the game like it required no concentration.  
A strike echoed in the speakers and animated decorative elements appeared on the screen.

"Damn, this going to be a tough match.", Monty whispered to Jasper.

"Good luck", Bellamy interrupted looking over at his team.

The teams went through as Raven, Finn, Bellamy, Monty and Jasper on one and Clarke, Lexa, Octavia, Lincoln and Anya on the other.

"We call ourselves the magma, cause' you guys are getting burnt!", Jasper exclaimed lamely, his hands jazzing in Lincoln's face.

"Slow down, white boy. The scores still haven't gone that high, we have enough time to beat your team.", Lincoln said with a playful smirk playing at his lips.

"Oh we'll see about that.", Finn smugly announced. Carrying a pink ball, he took his position. The lounge went somewhat silent as there weren't many individuals occupied in the indoor sport as yet. Finn's arm flexed, the pressure of not letting his team down was high. Every point mattered and how well the game started also made an impact. His arm unflexed rapidly as to roll the ball onto the platform.

A bad move. Slightly tilting at as it proceeded the ball ended up in the gutter.

"Dammit, almost there.", Finn stomped his foot on the ground.

"You were saying?", Lincoln chuckled mockingly at Finn as he took his walk of shame back to the vacant seat.

"Go Clarke, your turn.", Anya patted her friend on the back giving her a slight push towards the rack of bowling balls.

"Oh my god, I haven't bowled in a long time. I shouldn't have joined the game.", Clarke whispered anxiously. Blowing air out of her cheeks she stepped forward. Worried blue eyes looked towards the only person they found consolation in.

"It's alright, Clarke. It's just a game.", the green eyed savior whispered calmingly, batted her eyelashes and freed Clarke's mind of peer pressure.

"You're right, Lexa.", Clarke cleared her throat walking over to the collection of different bowling balls.

6\. 9. 7. 11.  
The sizes and weights mattered.

"Today, please.", Finn coughed almost choking on his gum.

"Shush.", Clarke playfully glares at Finn before she chooses a ball.

"Alright, let's do this.", Clarke whispers motivationally. Closing her eyes and taking her aim, she makes sure her hand isn't positioned wrongly as to which her throw could end up wasted.

"Yes Clarke, you go girl! You got this!", Lincoln encouraged clapping his hands.

Clarke rolled the ball swiftly yet gently, like a professional. Quick as to which the ball almost dropped out of her clammy palms.

A Spare.

"Oh this one is so easy. Piece of cake.", Anya extended her arm pointing to the pins lined up.

Clarke grabbed the nearest ball again and glided it across the floor. Knocking all her pins down she fist pumped in the air enthusiastically.

"Shit, we're not leading anymore. You guys are useless.", Jasper lashes out at his team.

"Why don't you change that for us since you're up next anyways?", Raven taunted scoffing.

"Maybe I will.", Jasper walked past Raven, grabbing the first bowling ball in line.

"Since we all are so useless, let's see what you got." Raven spat angrily, her dark brown eyes following the lanky boy.

"Raven, please, calm down.", Bellamy whispered putting his arms around her neck from behind as she was sitting and whispered in her ear.

"He can be really fucking annoying.", Raven gritted lowly as Bellamy pulled away, sighing to himself.

-

"We're here", Magnus said breathlessly turning the engines off. He wasn't running, he was driving and yet his heart raced in its cage just cause Alec was with him.

His eyes shifted to Alec that sat in the passenger seat. Alec turned his head to look at Magnus.  
"This place looks cool."

"Yeah, good food and good music. What else does one need?", Magnus chuckled getting off. He realised he didn't know Alec at all and had no idea what place to pick so he ended up with a small cafe around the corner which he really loved.

They entered the lounge that was illuminated by dim orange and white lights. The aroma of fresh coffee and desserts dominating their senses. Leather couches, arm chairs, sofas lined up around small black tables giving a homely environment was soothing, after all, they haven't been home in two months.

"May I take your order?", a thin girl with straight blonde hair wearing black uniform and white apron approached Magnus.

"I'll have the usual.", Magnus smiled and then turned his gaze to Alec.  
"Alexander would like a few minutes to pick out something.", Magnus spoke for his guest.

"Alright, I'll be back.", the girl skimmed away into a new group of people that entered the cafe.

"What's your usual?", Alec questioned his eyes shifting from the pages of the menu to Magnus, who got caught admiring his features.

"It's called the Superhero Sandwich.", Magnus said smiling, leaning forward, putting his elbow on the table to support his face leaning more easily on his palm.

Alec nodded. The waitress arrived again.

"I'll just have a steak burger, no tomatoes.", Alec laid emphasis on the last detail.

"Alright, done.", she scribbled away in her notepad and walked off after giving them both a small smile.

"Thanksgiving is coming up in a month. You have any plans?", Magnus started off, not sure why this topic though.

"Yeah, have to go back to my aunt's place. She called a few times already.", Alec said, then gestured his hand forward as to demand the answer to the same question.

"You talk about home Alec, Lexa doesn't. I feel like she doesn't really get along with the aunt?", Magnus inquired.

"She doesn't. At all. Mainly, cause our Aunt is a homophobe. Lexa's grateful for what she's done for us all these years but damn, she can be really intolerant.", Alec defended.

"That sucks, big time. I'm guessing you guys are closeted siblings then?"

"You're guessing right. What about you?" Alec countered.

"I'm not really a fan of hearing what other people have to say. I'm pretty happy with the way that I am and choose to freely express it. Whoever has a problem with it can shove it elsewhere."

"That's a good decision.", Alec chuckled.

"So, what's your favourite colour?", Alec asked.

"Oh, uh purple", Magnus replied raising his eyebrows. His face giving away how peculiar the choice of question was.

"Why?"

"It's mysterious, like you. Mysteries intrigue me. What's yours?", Magnus was bold in his reply.

"Blue", Alec blinked rapidly as if something irritated his eyes.

"Do I ask why? Or that I assume it's your favourite colour cause' it just is?"

"Your wish"

"Why?"

"It's calming.", Alec sighed leaning forward.

"It's the sky, it's the ocean, it's the colour used to describe sadness. Blue is pure, it's plain and it's beautiful. I don't know how to explain it but it just gives me emotional security.", Alec continued and dragged the knife kept of the table along his index finger playfully.

"Don't hurt yourself, please.", Magnus felt his breath hitch in his trachea as he grew unconsciously protective.

"I'm an adult.", Alec chuckled and look up to see his partner's worried gaze fixated on his index finger.

Alec put the knife down and looked over to Magnus. A comfortable silence followed as soft music played and the clinking of knives and forks against glass plates echoed in the cafe. Magnus nervously drummed his fingers against the soft table cloth.

-

"We should head back to campus now, its getting kind of late.", Octavia reminded looking around.

"Hey Octavia, can I ask you something?", Raven whispered.

"Yeah of course", Octavia replied staring at the brunette.

"You have a huge mansion, a great home. Why live in a dorm?", Raven furrowed her eyebrows, brushing her brown locks out of her face.

"Home stopped feeling like home a long time ago.", Octavia gulped looking down at her shoes, scraping them against the pavement as they waited for the valet to bring their car.

"Oh", was all that left Raven's mouth and she nodded her head.

"Finn screwed up, otherwise the win was ours.", Jasper argued.

"Let it go, Jasper. It was fair and square. We won.", Anya said high fiving Clarke, who had a smug look on her face and her arm around Anya.

"Fine.", Jasper spat sourly before getting in Bellamy's car.

"It's a miracle how we all fit in this car, to be honest.", Lincoln laughed, going around to find a seat.

Bellamy drove silently as the car clock showed the time to be 9:30pm.

"I'm so tired. All we did was toss a ball.", Clarke yawned leaning her head on Octavia's shoulder.

"You're awfully quiet today, Lexa?", Finn said cheerily.

"Just don't have anything to contribute.", Lexa said tiredly.

"Sometimes quiet is violent.", Raven said, turning her head to look at Clarke.

From the side of her eye, Lexa could see Clarke's avoiding Raven's gaze. What could that particular hint of a lyric mean? Why did Raven gnaw at Clarke's brain with her eyes. Quiet is violent. Clarke was not speaking about something that needed to be told. Lexa's stomach churned at the possibilities of what it could be, she hated being curious.

-

"That was good! That was good!", Alec exclaimed laughing heartily clutching his stomach.

"No, wait, I can do better.", Magnus reached his hands out to imitate a halt as he spoke.

"No, not again. You'll break something and I don't think we have a lot of money to pay.", Alec reminded.

"I won't."

"You will."

Magnus looked around, his eyes taking in the area of the current ice cream shop they stood in. After the cafe, they decided to visit a new creamery at the end of the block. The waiting line was long and Magnus entertained himself by doing a magic trick. The trick that often went wrong, a trick that always amused someone no matter how old or young they were. The table cloth trick.

Magnus carefully positioned the table cloth firmly adjusting the base of the empty cup that rested on.

"1,2,3", He whispered for the third time as he swiftly snatched the cloth from under the glass. In a matter of seconds, the cloth escalated into his palm and the glass laid upon like nothing ever bothered it.

Alec stood timidly, amused. His hands crossed over his chest and his lips reduced by his wish to a thin line, a fascinated smile masked his face.

Half an hour later, they exited the shop and walked to Magnus' car.

"It's actually 10:30pm, we should get back. Otherwise we're gonna get punished.", Alec said frowning at this wrist watch. How did so much time pass by already?

"Time passes by quick when you're having fun, Alexander." Magnus shifted his eyes towards Alec, reading his mind, for a few seconds before focusing back on the road.

"This isn't the way to college. Magnus, where are we going?", Alec looked around the road trying to figure out.

"Don't worry. I'm not kidnapping you, we'll get to college and say there was a lot of traffic and we got late unintentionally, relax.", Magnus smirked and Alec leaned back into his seat.

"You and your sister worry a lot, what the hell is in your DNA?", Magnus laughed and from the corner of his eye, he saw Alec smile too.

-

"Hey Lexa! Do you have a soft shirt I could borrow for the night?", Clarke screamed from the halfway open door of the bathroom.

"Yeah sure, Clarke. Just take it from the top shelf in the cupboard.", Lexa yelled back, engrossed in her equation. Surrounded by heaps of notes, books and a calculator messily on her bed.

Clarke stepped out of the bathroom wearing a brown faded shirt with ACDC boldly printed on it and a thunder strike between.

"A band tee, niceeee.", Lexa looked up for a second.

"You know there's a reason we have been given a study table.", Clarke mocked her thumb pointing at the vacant sculpture of wood.

"I'm lazy. I don't want to sit and my shoulders ache.", Lexa huffed in a somewhat grumpy tone, scribbling away in her notebook.

Clarke chuckled and walked over to the cupboard to close the door that she forgot. Her blue eyes ignited when they fell over a unfamiliar book. She picked up the journal, soft, brown and velvety in its texture of the outer cover.

"Hey Lex, this yours?", Clarke furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, turning around with the book in her hand.

Lexa's eyes widened shockingly. Her arm stretched out.

"Yes it is.", the green eyed girl gulped, her breathing intensified.

Clarke observed the change in Lexa's mood, the panic surface. Her memory lead her to the day she had a panic attack and did not answer about what triggered it. Clarke found herself standing right next to Lexa in the next moment, handing her the journal and sitting on the bed beside her.

"It is mine, Clarke."

"No one is taking it away from you.", Clarke whispered comfortingly.

"My parents, the day they passed away. After a whole lot of crying, I found this journal. It was in the basement of my aunt's house. Just lying there on the ground as the stairs ended. In that moment I felt quite similar to the bundle of binded pages that lay on the floor. I felt isolated and broken and how I didn't deserve any of it. So, when I picked up the journal and hugged it to my chest, there was a sense of comfort that came over me.", Lexa scoffed mirthlessly looking up to see Clarke's tear stained cheeks.

"Opening that journal and seeing it all empty, some of the pages half teared up. It's been ten years, Clarke but I've managed to carry it with me. Filled it up with my thoughts. Writing helped, it was therapeutical." Lexa finished.

Clarke sniffled and wiped her cheeks. Using her wet hands she shakily threaded her fingers with Lexa's. Clarke thought about how it was a bitter coincidence that her friend, Lexa, left her without any explanation or warning ten years ago too.

"I don't know what to tell you or if I'm even worthy enough of saying the whole I know how you feel speech, cause I'm not. I've never experienced a loss this great. You're brave, Lexa. You're broken and scared and that's okay. You should know that you've suffered a lot but you don't have to fall apart alone, I'll fall with you."

"I don't cry about it anymore, Clarke. I mourn internally. I get sad but I keep it to myself, it destroys me. Sometimes more than usual and it gets messy. I don't need you to fall with me. I need you to catch me. Will you catch me?", Lexa whispered exasperated.

"Always.", Clarke chuckled giving Lexa's hand a gentle squeeze.

The next moment felt as if it was a involuntary reflex action. Lexa pushed off her studying material and hugged Clarke. Her arms draped around her shoulders and long, wet blonde hair that smelled of lavender and vanilla.

Clarke hugged back as tight as she could, feeling like all her broken pieces mended in a single hug. She felt Lexa exhale tiredly in her shoulder making goosebumps take over.

"Come on, pull it together, Lex."

"Maybe someday."

-

"You're a fucking idiot!", Alec hissed. A pit growing in his stomach, he could feel adrenaline flush through his system.

"Oh come on, don't be a wuss and follow me.", Magnus stubbornly grabbed onto the terrified boy's hand.

They stayed low, crouched and made their way through the trees and the rustling leaves. Magnus had decided to go back to the park, to the cage of rabbits.

"Every park has a guard. I don't think we can get caught unless someone sees us.", Magnus whispered.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious.", Alec rolled his eyes.

"Here.", Magnus said letting of Alec's warm hand and reaching in his jean pocket to pull out a key.

He carefully opened the cage door, less than halfway and picked up the closest rabbit. Shutting the door using his elbow to make sure he didn't disturb the others he turned to Alec.

"Oh my god, it's so cute.", Alec gushed and took a step closer. Petting the organism that looked even more tiny in Magnus' muscular arms.

Alec reached out and picked up the rabbit, his eyes lighting up and cradling it into his arms.

"If it bites me, you're paying my hospital bill.", Alec scoffed.

"No way, I'll leave you to die here-", Magnus spoke but he was interrupted by a flashlight.

"What the hell?", Alec hurriedly tossed the rabbit back in its cage.

"Stay exactly where you are, this is the police. Hands where I can see em'." A middle aged man with a huge belly and a typical black police officer uniform yelled from across the park.

"Oh shit, not the type of handcuffing I was expecting tonight.", Magnus whispered shamelessly, a smirk tugging at his lips.

"Shut up, shut up, will you?", Alec hissed trying not to laugh.

"Are you intoxicated or just stupid?", the officer asked as the cold metal bit against both their skins. They walked to the police car.

"I think my ice cream had a tad bit of alcohol.", Magnus smiled wide at the police officer, who didn't look very amused as he opened the car door.

"You can have a tad bit of fun in a jail cell for tonight too. You both are being arrested for unauthorized trespassing and of wrongfully accessing park animals."

"No, please, we're sorry. We'll get suspended from our college. We won't ever do it again.", Alec begged.

"Should have thought about it earlier."

-

"...and this one time I went up to this guy in the store who had a really big belly and was like "Excuse me are you pregnant?" and my mom scolded me for ages about it.", Clarke threw her head back laughing.

"You're so stupid. I can't believe.", Lexa spoke recovering from breathlessness as she laughed frantically.

"Oh oh, this one time-", Clarke began.

Lexa's phone began to ring. An unknown number. Hesitant to pick it up in front of Clarke, praying for it to not be Will, she pressed it to her hear.

"Hello?", a thick familiar voice asked.

"Alec?", Lexa recognised.

"Don't freak out or tell anyone but Magnus and I got arrested. They'll let us out in the morning, it's nothing serious. I just have one phone call and I thought I should let you know.", Alec nervously chuckled.

"What happened? What did you do?", Lexa had so many questions.

"Broke into a park. I'll elaborate later. I have to go, bye sis, love you. Just wanted to clarify neither of us are dead."

"Oh you will be. Love you too.", Lexa sighed as Alec hanged up.


	13. Habits

Waking up with a parched mouth, uncomfortably leaned against a rock hard wall wasn't exactly the morning Magnus was looking forward to after the date that he had been waiting for, for two months.

Was he even sure what he was looking forward to?

Rubbing his eyes, he yawned and looked around the ugly prison cell. The railings rusted, metallic yet had an old look to it. A utensil in the corner of the cubed area, for excretory purposes and perhaps, bullying to some extent. Torture was the last resort and it should stay that way.

Magnus looked at Alec asleep. His jet black hair adorably flopped over his forehead. His mouth closed, a thin line, a frown, his arms crossed over his chest and his head leaning on the side.

"Alexander, wake up.", Magnus called, bored.

No response.

Magnus sighed dragging himself to Alec's side. His decrease of distance's motive was to wake the guy up but Magnus instead found himself unable to function. Never really felt this paralysed before, he remained crouched beside him. Taking in Alec's features, he noticed similarities he had with his sister. Long eyelashes innocently covering his closed eyelids making him look prettier than ever.

Magnus could feel a faint smile slide across his lips, being observant often had its advantages of being able to deeply admire one's beauty. Or in common language, could qualify as being a pervert but that wasn't Magnus' intention, nor could he ever let anyone think about Alec that way.

"You're staring.", Alec groggily spoke. Awake finally.

"I was lost in thought.", Magnus defended poorly as he grew aware he got caught in his infatuated state.

"What thoughts required you to jump right to my side?", Alec yawned. Raising his eyebrow.

"Thoughts to wake you up and get out of this place.", Magnus blew air out of his cheeks.

"Fair enough.", Alec sealed.

"Don't you think it's ironic how, you and I, went to free that rabbit in a park for a while but now it's us who's caged?", Magnus grazed his scruffy chin with his index finger.

"Magnus, please, shush."

Just then a guard arrived. Handcuffs dangling at his belt, a silver key wrapped in his fingers clinking into the lock, opening Magnus and Alec's 'cage'.

"Top o' the morning, folk.", Magnus saluted.

"You're free to go. No charges are being pressed, no criminal record. You guys seem like nice students so take this warning as the only one you'll ever get.", the officer dictated in a robotic monotone voice.

"Thank you, Sir. I assure you, foolish activities like this will not happen again.", Alec rose to his feet, putting his jacket on.

"You're welcome, kid.", the officer nodded firmly at Alec.

Then his stare shifted to Magnus.

"Do we get breakfast?", Magnus asked dumbfoundedly.

"Just leave, honestly. And you don't salute to us. We are not the army.", the officer rolled his eyes, stating as a matter of factly.

"You serve us.", Magnus furrowed his eyebrows, a genuine questioning look on his face.

"You deserve appreciation too-", Magnus continued but was cut off.

"Magnus, let's go.", Alec grasped Magnus' arm and pulled him out of the cell before the irritated cop turned a 360 on his decision to spare them.

Magnus couldn't recall the last time he was this nervous in a situation. Together, they brisk walked to the Principal, who had requested to see them as urgently as soon possible if they were spotted on campus.

"Suspension?", Alec gulped standing outside the door.

"Hopefully. Or else expulsion.", Magnus ignored Alec's death glare and swung the door open.

"Sir-"

"Ah yes, if it isn't Mr. Bane and .", a bald man in his sixties sat in a typical office chair.

A neat work table laid in front of him. Bright brown, the room reeked of fresh polish, cheap air freshener and paper.

"What may be the reason for your absence last night? Without any notification, not even from a third person, as to perhaps why you could not make it to your respected dorms?"

"We had a flat tire on the way back to campus. We were already late and knew that we would be getting detention for not keeping track of curfew. So, we just decided to stay in a motel across the place we visited.", Alec spoke innocently.

Magnus was shocked at his lying skills. The way his face displayed pure worry, dripping with innocence yet being convincing enough to enlighten someone that he was stating a spade as a spade.

"Suspension would be the case but that would result in a lot of academic loss, especially these three weeks before Thanksgiving break, the teachers go into a frenzy. Therefore, Detention everyday, two hours, for the weeks till thanksgiving break. You may leave." the man was stern in his response. His tone giving away that no questions would be appreciated.

"Thank you, Sir.", both muttered before they exited the office.

"You're a great liar, Alexander.", Magnus smiled astonished and amused.

"I try. I lie when I need to.", Alec chuckled.

"First the police let us go without any charges and then the principal barely gives us a punishing enough punishment.", Magnus goes on.

"Detention, two hours everyday. It's ugly. We will grow sick of it."

"You're my lucky charm, Alexander."

Alec turned to Magnus, his face holding a look of surprise.

"I-", Alec began but got cut off.

"Good things happen when I'm with you.", Magnus said smiling, sighing contentedly. His gaze shifting from Alec's eyes to his lips.

"Getting arrested and thrown into detention, almost suspension I might add, is good, Magnus?", Alec scoffed playfully.

"It is when I get to be with you.", Magnus spoke, almost a faint whisper. His chest contracting and his heart beating faster in his chest every second as he planned his next move.

And before Alec could further process that comment, his eyes fluttered as a reflex action when Magnus leaned in and crashed his lips against his.

A few seconds late, soon enough to react, to make sense, Alec kissed back softly. The realization of how something so sudden could feel so heartwarming. To Alec's concern, Magnus' lips felt softer than the petals of a rose, softer than any velvet skimming against the skin, than what Magnus wore. Softer than any feather of a bird he had collected and pressed between the pages of a book. Alec tugged on Magnus' jacket to pull him closer, deepening the kiss, wanting more. It felt as if ages passed away.

You make it hard to let you go.

Finally, Magnus pulled away breathlessly.

" _So, am I worthy of your time?_ ", Magnus let out a shaky laugh as his forehead rested against Alec's.

" _Always_.", Alec found himself breathing hard, his voice dripping with enthusiasm as to make the boy believe that it was indeed the truth.

Magnus' lips stretched into a smile so big that Alec could feel his heart swell of happiness in his own chest. Never did he ever bring so much happiness to another person, or so he thought.

Magnus never imagined that a single word, as simple as 'Always', could create such a beam of confidence in his lonely heart.

"Goodbye, Alexander.", Magnus chirped before he patted Alec's cheek with his palm and turned on his heel to walk away.

And for the first time in a long time, Alec found that it was him who was blushing, instead of the other way around and that ignited a new flame inside of him.

* * *

"What do you mean the answer is not isopropyl?", Raven smacked her hand against the desk, frustrated.

"Reyes, take it easy.", Mr. Sinclair, the organic chemistry teacher warned before trotting away to another student.

"It's not isopropyl, it's tertiary propyl amide.", Lexa countered, leaning closer to Raven to explain the solution to her.

A few attempts later Raven finally understood.

"Oh, I get it. This is trippy.", Raven scrunched her face, chewing on the back of her pencil.

Lexa laughed throwing her head back, her eyes crinkled.  
"Well, yeah, you could say that."

"You believe in aliens, Lexa?", Raven asked lazily titling her head.

"Mhmm..yeah", Lexa answered unfocused, engrossed in her class work.

"I want to know what they are hiding inside Area-51.", Raven spoke as to which Lexa's eyes lit up.

"Aliens. 50 floors underground. Strict laws upon trespassing. Trespassers are to be shot on sight. It's obviously something top secret. Extra terrestrial life for sure!", Lexa ranted scribbling the alien emoji at the end of her chemistry book.

"Okay wow you've really given this a lot of thought. I'm just talking out of mere curiosity.", Raven chuckled.

"Just passionate about the things I like.", Lexa blushed, her geeky goofy smile plastered upon her face sheepishly.

"Yeah..like Clarke.", Raven whispered to herself.

"What?", Lexa snapped her head in Raven's direction, unsure of what she heard.

"Oh, pfft nothing.", Raven casually bugged.

The bell rang dismissing students from their captivity for a short while.

"We have a free period now. What do you wanna do?", Raven asked swinging her back over her shoulder.

"Basketball."

"I haven't played in so long but I still got game!", Raven screamed shooting hoops.

"That's great. That was good, damn.", Lexa replied astonished, staring at the nets.

"I haven't played since eighth grade.", Lexa sat down on the ground wiping sweat from her forehead.

"Oh come on! Are you guys serious? Get the hell up.", Octavia rushed into the gym.

"We were running from you, how'd you know we're here?", Raven joked.

"I was passing by and hey that's mean, Raven.", Octavia frowned trying to look playfully hurt.

"I kid, I kid.", Raven raised her hands surrendering as Octavia chuckled and pointed to Lexa.

"She looks dead."

"Hey guys?", Lexa, who was now laying flat on the ground, called out.

"Yeah?", Octavia and Raven exchanged glances and asked in unison.

"I'm dead."

Later that evening Lexa sat on her bed, her glasses swinging on the bridge of her nose, as she wrote into her journal.

"It's been a few weeks since I've written in here, a few weeks since it's been read by someone other than me. A few weeks since I've been happy and sad instead of sad and sadder in a long time."

Distraught and distraction all around, Lexa was unsure of what to write into her journal anymore. Did she even have anything to write? Was there anything to put in there that seemed worthwhile. Could she be sure no one would ever read it again?

Just then the door opened and Clarke entered, her hair messy and she was carrying heaps of books and notes. Throwing everything in her hands, including herself on her bed she grunted tiredly.

Lexa chuckled to herself smiling.  
"You okay?"

"I'm so exhausted.", Clarke said in a muffled voice. Her face buried in her pillow and then she looked up.

"Glasses? I've never seen you with them before!", Clarke's face lit up like a kid in a candy shop.

"As if I don't look like a nerd already, these aren't necessary to be worn all the time.", Lexa replied setting her journal aside.

"Looks good on you?"

"You think?"

"I promise.", Clarke smiled warmly and Lexa found solace in her grin.

Lexa's eyes shifted to Clarke's hands and she thought of how soft they always feel and how maybe one day she could hold them and have the girl she loves, all to herself.

No, Lexa, this is wrong. Stop thinking about her, stop dreaming about her. She has a boyfriend, has feelings and is committed to somebody else. It doesn't feel right to think like this and be so in love with her. We can't help who we fall in love with. People go around saying "It doesn't hurt to take a chance", but it does and it's the hardest thing to do.

"Earth to Lexaaa..", Clarke whined snapping her fingers to gain Lexa's attention.

Lexa snapped out of her scolding that her subconscious was raging on to her.

"Mr. Sinclair is your organic chemistry teacher, right?", Clarke questioned, getting up and gathering her books to place them on the side.

"Yeah, yours too?"

"Yes. He's good, he's funny too.", Clarke complimented.

A knock on the door surprised both Clarke and Lexa.  
Clarke, having her bed closer to the door got up and pulled it open to see her boyfriend standing.

"Hello love, how are you?", he asked leaning in and kissing Clarke's cheek.

"Hey, I'm good. You?", Clarke asked and moved to the side implying that she had invited him in, her fingers wiping her cheek.

"I'm great. Just wanted to make sure we're still on for Thursday night?", Will asked smoothly, his blue eyes flickering around the room and casually to Clarke.

"Yes we are.", Clarke giggled excitedly.

"Oh hey, Lexa.", Will sighed unamused.

"Hello, Will.", Lexa replied in the same dense tone, her expression stoic.

She smiled but it didn't reach her eyes and once again Clarke noticed that they didn't enjoy each other's company.

"Oh well, I have places to go. See you day after tomorrow and oh, I got these..", Will stood in the middle of a half opened doorway and pulled out two chocolate bars from his pockets.

"Yay, thank you!", Clarke engulfed Will in a hug and kissed his cheek, her lips sinking into his strongly structured cheekbones.

"Anything for you, doll.", the charming boy winked and vanished from sight in a matter of few seconds.

"Doll, eh?", Lexa smirked as Clarke closed the door and turned.

"That's a first, no one ever calls me that.", Clarke chuckled her face turning a shade of crimson.

"Do you have a dress? It's kind of a fancy date on Thursday. I didn't bring any.", Clarke asked shyly.

"No, I don't. Dresses aren't really my thing, aha, you could go buy one tomorrow.", Lexa suggested gulping away the lump in her throat that arose thinking of how Clarke and Will were finally going on an actual date.

"That's a good idea! Yeah, I'll do that. You'll come along, right?", Clarke gleamed joyous, her eyes hopeful.

"Of course", Lexa smiled sadly to herself, she would never let Clarke down.

 _Habits of my heart, I can't say no._

"Cool, I'll text Raven and Octavia.", Clarke said leaning towards her side table to pick her phone up.

"Oh wait, what happened there?", Lexa said getting up from her bed to sit on Clarke's, pointing at her finger.

"Oh that, Botany Lab. Used blades for cutting the leaves and ended up injuring myself.", Clarke said embarrassedly.

"It seems deep. This bandage seems dirty, you need a new one.", Lexa spoke reaching in her side drawer.

"I got a boo boo.", Clarke mimicked in a baby voice, earning a chuckle from Lexa.

"This isn't a boo boo, Clarke. This is you being careless with yourself."

"Gosh, Lexa, you're just like my mom.", Clarke rolled her eyes punching Lexa's shoulder.

"You didn't even change it! It could get infected, yikes!", Lexa scolded lightly as she lay Clarke's hand in her lap.

"It burns.", Clarke winced as Lexa ripped off the old bloody bandage.

"Ouch!"

"Keep it open for a few minutes before I seal it off again. And yeah, might as well try to get used to the burn it'll sting with everything you do now.", Lexa lectured.

"You talked to Alec today?"

"Yeah, he got detention alongside Magnus, everyday for two hours, for three weeks. Good for them.", Lexa shook her head. According to her they deserved what they got.

"Damn, remind us to never be late to campus again.", Clarke muttered blowing her wound gently.

Lexa threaded her fingers, putting the sticky bandage without any fidgety. Strict and stable, her gaze focused on Clarke's finger as she finally looped the last part to stick together.

"There ya go", Lexa looked up at Clarke to catch her staring at her.

Her heart skipped a beat cause' of the way Clarke looked at her. The glint of adoration and admiration in her eyes, as if she had forgotten about everything else in the world. The fond, Lexa could only curse her luck for being so unfortunate on never getting to express her truefeelings to Clarke.

In that moment, to Lexa's surprise Clarke leaned forward and pressed a lingering kiss to Lexa's cheek.

Lexa's heart felt like it fell, fell through, fell down a bottomless pit. Lexa couldn't believe Clarke's lips stayed there a little longer than she'd expected, giving away a little unexpectedness from Clarke, too .

The move surprised both of them and it was rather gleeful, fleeting in how it made them feel. It was clear how anxious Clarke felt and Lexa could tell that it took each and every fibre of confidence in her to kiss her on the cheek like this.

Figured out as Clarke's wrist brushed against Lexa's finger when she leaned forward and her heartbeat drumming in her veins, against her skin, gave it away.

Clarke pulled away and shyly avoided Lexa's gaze fumbling with her own hands. She had never been the one to blush easily.

Lexa's fingers touched the space on her cheek, the heated imprint, which could be felt running cold lacking Clarke's lips there. Her heart fluttered in its caged boundary and beat on, faster.

 _It's ripping me apart_  
 _You get too close_

 ** _AlN :GUYS I HIT 2K VIEWS YAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY SO HAPPY RN also i hope you guys liked the malec flled chapter :)))))))))) also a little clexa i guess? sorrynotsorryf for the ending i bet you guys were expecting some action BUT PATIENCE MY CHILDREN THERE WILL BE CLEXA ACTION SOON ;)_**

 ** _also this is sorta my favorite chapter so far i guess so_** ** _I WOULD LOVE YOUR REACTIONS ON THIS SO PLS REVIEW_**

 ** _REVIEWS= FUEL FOR WRITING .  
-Potatowoman who is currently celebrating her 2k with a box of cookies heuheu_**


	14. Red

**Lexa's POV:**

"Can you decide already? It's been two hours and my feet hurt.", Octavia whined sipping her vanilla shake, her hand on her hip holding several shopping bags.

"This whining is the reason we didn't bring along any of the guys. Shush, Oct.  
It'll be faster if you help Clarke decide.", Raven spoke putting her hand on Octavia's shoulder.

Clarke stepped out of the changing room, a fitted black dress looking amazing, as usual on her.

"Is this fine?", Clarke asked her face unsure whether she liked it or not.

"I don't like it.", Clarke scrunched up her nose making me snort involuntarily.

"It's good but I don't like it.", I say truthfully, clearing my throat, looking around to observe mutual agreement.

Ah yes, the satisfaction.

"Same, yeah.", Raven nodded. Her eyes scanning Clarke's body.

"Go for red or some hot shit, Griffin." Octavia snapped her fingers pointing to more dresses on her left.

"Okay everyone split up and pick each dress you think would look good on me, and then come back to me. I'm tired.", Clarke huffed grumpily sitting on the changing room bench.

"You're so lazy.", I bugged walking away and chuckling.

"Ugh, shut up.", Clarke stuck her tongue out at me. Holding her head in her hands.

Walking over my fingers passed on from one dress hanging to another, observing their patterns, a lot of them plain.

Some had designs and patterns and then I stopped at a partially plain burgundy dress. It had a perfect shape and the pattern wasn't too dominating on the cloth. Classy and somewhere between casual and formal.

"Perfect.", I muttered to myself and picked it out. Clarke was going to love this.

"I got nothing!"

"Octavia!", Raven and Clarke yelled in unison earning a few glares from old customers.

"What? All of em' are crap, looks like ugly recycled cloth stitched together into different dresses. I tried though, whatever." Octavia sighed, she couldn't find any dress worthy enough for a pick.

"You can't talk like that they'll throw you out of their store.", I stifled a laugh and held up the dress I brought.

"My contribution to the Clarke Dress Hunt.", I announce enthusiastically. My fingers looped around the hanger.

"Oh wow, that could beat my choice any day!", Raven exclaimed astonished putting away the dress she got on her own and reaching for the one in my hand.

"No.", I reply and with a swift action to pull the dress away from her reach.

My eyes shifting from Raven to Clarke, my feet taking me to her till I stood close.

"Hey", Clarke whispered biting her lip, her blue eyes causing my heart to pick up on its beat. It's crazy, really, how her single glance had its effect on me.

"Try it on.", I whisper back, handing her the dress and smiling. Taking a step back as she closed the change room door I heard Octavia whisper to Raven.

"Look at them! Told you! Bitch, if it happens before Thanksgiving break, you owe me 50 dollars."

"She's going on a date with Will, she won't break up with him without any reason. You're losing.", Raven whispered back.

Were they betting on Clarke and I ending up together?

I turned my head giving both of them a stern look that stopped them in their tracks.

"What?", Raven shrugged.

"I heard that.", I say crossing my arms over my chest.

"No you didn't, _lie ass hoe_.", Octavia hissed and sipped on her shake, that had finished. What a timing.

"Seriously? A bet? What are you, fifteen?", I say shaking my head disapprovingly.

"Shut up, you like her so much you can hardly speak.", Raven laughed.

"Don't be so loud, stupid!", I take a step towards her, my finger on my lips. What if Clarke would have heard?

"Whoop, there it is.", Octavia smiled smugly high fiving Raven.

"Ask her out before Thanksgiving break, I need the money. Thanks, boo.", Octavia blew me a kiss.

"Oh my god, you guys are-", I was about to complete my sentence but everyone went into a frenzy to 'shut the hell up' as they heard the lock of the door.

Clarke stepped out in the burgundy dress. It looked so beautiful on her that my mind was convinced it was actually manufactured for her. The curves fitting her body smoothly, the contrast of her hair with her skin and her dress was stunning. I found myself at a striking lack of vocabulary to describe this breathtaking sight.

"Forget Lexa, I'll step in way before Thanksgiving break.", Octavia nudged my arm her eyes glued to Clarke. I glared at her.

"You look sensational. Red carpet material.", Raven inspected.

"I love it. It's settled. I'm getting this one.", Clarke grinned excitedly, looking down at the dress and individually at all of us after.

"Perfect. Yes, finally we can go back to our dorms.", Octavia cheered running out of the store.

Clarke's sight stayed onto me for a little while, her eyes shining, her lips twitched into a smile. Appreciating my choice. I smiled back giving her a thumbs up. It's the least that I could do for someone I love, let them be happy.

* * *

 _So open your eyes and see_  
 _The way our horizons meet_  
 _and all of the lights will lead_  
 _into the night, with me_

The song blared through Lexa's headphones as she lay on her bed.

"Lexaaaa!", Clarke yelled from the bathroom but Lexa didn't budge.

A frantic Clarke emerged from the wooden bathroom door and Lexa pulled her headphones off.

"What?", Lexa raised her eyebrow.

"I need help. Hurry.", Clarke commanded pointing her hand to Lexa.

Lexa walked, robotically, into the bright bathroom.

" _It sure is lit!_ ", Lexa chuckled squinting.

"Put this on.", Clarke turned to Lexa handing her a necklace.

"Oh thank you! I love to wear necklaces.", Lexa joked.

"Lex, please. Hurry.", Clarke begged nervously not in the mood for jokes.

"Okay okay, sour puff.", Lexa playfully teased watching Clarke pull her long hair to one side. It stung her heart when Clarke didn't laugh.

"I see someone's catching on to my vocabulary.", Clarke smirked looking at Lexa in the mirror they stood in front of.

The blonde watched Lexa fully concentrated on getting to lock the necklace around her neck. She would have sworn her heart quickened at its pace when Lexa's fingers brushed against her back.

The fluorescent bulbs illuminated the spacy bathroom and brought out the tingling green in Lexa's eyes even more.

"There..", Lexa spoke to herself taking a step back.

Clarke's lungs filled and deflated as her fingers brushed against her necklace, that draped so elegantly around her neck.

She turned around to face Lexa, who got caught with a hint of devastation upon her frown.

"What's wrong, Lex?", Clarke asked taking a step forward.

"Nothing.", Lexa lied.

"You..you seem sad.", Clarke gulped.

"It's okay. It doesn't matter Clarke.", Lexa avoided Clarke's gaze, rolling her sleeves up.

"Yes it-"

"On the other hand! Look at you, wow. Clarke, you look..", Lexa looked up into eyes bluer than any shade of blue, teal, turiqoise.

Clarke's lips formed into a thin line.

"...really nice. You're looking very nice.", Lexa choked out, her voice sincere. Clarke erupted into a little ball of happiness.

"Really? Thank you.", Clarke grinned wide, her eyes never leaving Lexa's but her cheeks changed colour.

"If there's something bothering you-"

"Yes, I know that I can talk to you but it's okay, Clarke. There's nothing bugging me. It's just how I am. I'm sad and I always will be. Nothing new.", Lexa shrugged helplessly, casually making her way out of the bathroom.

Clarke chose not to argue and had learnt to actually keep her distance whenever Lexa was in a bad mood. She didn't mind, she knew everyone had their days when they were off. _She never understood_ , what it meant when one needed _space_. Being an only child had its perks.

A knock on the door tore apart Clarke's unfocused gaze from the floor to the silver doorknob. Her eyes shifted to Lexa, who looked up to her when the door knocked for the second time.

Clarke tried to brush off the heavy feeling in her heart, she felt something tugging on her but what was it?  
Melancholy dawned upon her, making Clarke question everything.

The door opened to reveal Will standing there.

"Hello gorgeous.", a flirtatious smile played on his lips.

"You look good too.", Clarke gushed. Mesmerised by her date's cheekbones.

"I'm not lucky. I'm blessed to have you as my girlfriend actually. A lot of people...", Will stopped mid sentence and his eyes flickered onto Lexa.

"...would kill for that. Don't you think, Lexa?", Will humourlessly chuckled.

"Oh please, you're so dramatic.", Clarke interrupted waved her hand in Will's face, picking up her purse.

Lexa looked at him, her eyes showing less emotion of anger and more of frustration. Will smirked contendly, his plan was working and he had her wrapped around his finger. Controlled Lexa like a puppet.

"Yeah, haha..Clarke's very precious. You better take care of her.", Lexa gritted. Trying her best to sound concerned more than agitated, and succeeded. Clarke's head snapped looking at Lexa, a heartwarming feeling coming over her.

"I'll keep that in mind.", Will smiled at Lexa. His smile seeming sincere. Not mockery, not amusement.

"Bye, Lex. Thanks for helping me today.", Clarke waved happily walking off.

"Bye. Have a good time.", Lexa waved back, her lips crooked to the side.

 _I'm trying_  
 _I'm really trying_

The door shut and the thud echoed in the room. The silence after, deafening.

 _It feels as if I've been speared_  
 _As if my lungs have shrunk and that I can't breathe anymore_  
 _It hurts_

Lexa ran her hand through her hair, a tear slipping her eye.

"Dammit", she cursed.

Confused. Hurt. Angry. Lonely.  
Why did it hurt?

"I won't cry, we agreed on this.", Lexa whispered to herself as more tears threatened to spill.

Just then the door creaked open slowly, giving Lexa enough time to wipe her tear away and maintain the facade of normalcy.

"Hey what's up?", Bellamy entered.

"Hey, ever heard of knocking?", Lexa shook her head. Her tone peculiarly ruder than she intended.

"Oh, I...yeah..bad habit sorry.", Bellamy scrunched up his nose making Lexa chuckle.

"What did I just see?", Alec practically yelled barging into Lexa's dorm.

"Great. Glad you could join us too. Have you, perhaps, ever heard of knocking?", Lexa questioned sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

"What did you see?", Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows questioning Alec.

Alec gaped, making it obvious he didn't want to say what it was and sighed to himself. To his luck, Bellamy's phone started ringing as to which he left the room.

Once again, silence prevailed.

"Clarke's gone on a date with Will.", Alec stated.

"I know, I helped her get ready for it.", Lexa laid back in her bed.

"Did it hurt? Cause' I hope it did.", Alec folded his arms over his chest.

"Fuck off, Alexander.", Lexa gritted angrily. The words dripping venomously off her tongue.

"I told you to tell her the truth. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Do you enjoy pain and heartbreak, Lexa?", Alec hissed.

"I said I needed time. I needed time, okay? I want to tell her but _I couldn't, I just can't_.", Lexa tried swallowing away the lump in her throat and it only grew.

"Why can't you? You're a coward." Alec scoffed.

"Yeah. That's exactly what I am. You happy?"

"You need to tell her for two reasons. Firstly, she deserves to know. You don't know, she probably beats herself up about it. She still thinks about it because it matters. It matters cause' it hurts. Secondly, you. You deserve to be happy."

"It's not the same, Alec. She's moved on. I can't take that away from her. Third grade was too long ago, Clarke probably thinks differently now.", Lexa sniffled into her sleeve, heartbroken.

"So what? You give up? Yeah, you do!Classic Lexa Woods. If you cared about her feelings as much as you try to act like you do, you would've told her.", Alec scoffed turning on his heel.

"Listen here, you don't get to walk in and tell me what I care about and what I don't.", Lexa snapped angrily jumping off her bed and on to her feet.

"I do when I see it.", Alec spat bitterly. Turned around facing his sister again.

"I care about her enough to let her go and be happy. I can't stop her from trying to seek new things just because of something that happened ten years ago.", Lexa wasn't sure what she was saying all she focused on was to not let it slip through that Will had information that resided in her journal.

"You're so scared of rejection, you don't make sense. Try again when Clarke moves on with another guy, maybe? Or do what you do best, Lexa. Mope around in that sad little journal of yours.", Alec yelled pointing at Lexa.

"You don't understand why I can't tell anyone about anything. Leave. Get out.", Lexa said tiredly. She didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"You're toxic, all you do is push people away!", her brother angrily yelled.

"Yeah! I'm fine with that for now. Go away!.", Lexa yelled.

"You'll end up alone if you keep this up."

"GET OUT, ALEC!", Lexa screamed pushing her brother harshly towards the door, fuming with anger.

"Get out before I do something I don't want to. OUT!", Lexa screamed angrily.

Her fists clenched, white.  
Tears streaming down her face. Her breathing harder every second.

Alec stood stoic, shaking his head against the door that swung open.

"What the fuck is going on?", Bellamy grunted looking at both the siblings.

"Why don't you ask her? She's convinced she's a good storyteller.", Alec scoffed and took one last look at his sister, who stood facing the other side of the room. Covering her face with her hands, he walked out.

"Lexa", Bellamy took a step forward.

"I want to be left alone.", Lexa sighed tiredly.

"Not like this, I'm not leaving you."

"I'm fine, Bell.", Lexa turned and Bellamy felt his chest contract. She looked so broken, it hurt him.

Lexa wiped her tears on her sleeve. Bellamy's eyes travelled to her cheeks, flushed, her eyes holding an exhausted look. Hair dishevelled, the poor girl was a mess. She was devastated.

"You need to breathe, Lexa.", Bellamy walked up to her taking her hand delicately and pulling her out of the room.  
Lexa didn't protest, she lacked the energy and the heart to do so.

The stars illuminated the sky, the moon was mostly the one source of light in the dark area they sat at.  
Sat on the benchers in the cold night. The wood on the seat wet from the dew, the smell of night in the cool wind that whistled past. Lexa found herself drifting into a sweet slumber until she heard footsteps.

"Here.", Bellamy said lowly sitting himself beside Lexa, handing her a cup of coffee.

Lexa looked over to him, her eyes holding a grateful look. They sat in silence.

"I should have availed my chance of confession.", Lexa started off and looked over to Bellamy when he didn't respond.

"I'm all ears.", the brown eyed boy spoke.

"It's a long story."

"I have all the time. Proceed.", Bellamy chuckled brushing his thick curls out of his face. Lexa smiled.

For the next two hours, Lexa told Bellamy everything about her past, to present, leaving out Will's attack on her privacy.

Realizing that she needed an outlet other than her brother and her journal, she confined in a friend.

"Damn, this is very _heavy._ ", Bellamy chuckled processing heaps on information. His finger grazing his chin thoughtfully.

"You should tell her.", Bellamy said after a few minutes referring to Clarke.

"I wish I could but it's too late.", all Lexa could do was make up excuses.

"It's never too late.", Bellamy countered.

"Even if it isn't, I can't.", Lexa stated.

"Why not?", Bellamy whispered leaning closer to the brunette.

"I can't tell you that too.", Lexa looked up at the sky.

Bellamy sighed defeatedly raising his arms in surrender.

"You care about her a lot, I get that. What if Clarke's still waiting for you, Lexa?", Bellamy spoke. His fingers tracing the rim of his coffee cup.

"Well, she can endure the pain, same as me. Till I'm ready.", Lexa replied coldly taking a huge gulp of her coffee. Bellamy's eyes widened at the sudden change in tone but he chose to remain silent.

Her tongue burnt in her mouth making her wince but the pain subsided quickly leaving her tongue parched. The burn was nothing, literally nothing compared to the ache in her thoracic region every time she thought about how Clarke walked out with a person that she loathed so much.

"Fuck..did you add booze in this?", Lexa laughed raising her coffee cup.

"Meh, a little, figured you need it.", Bellamy cackled.

"I do. Thank you for caring.", Lexa muttered tiredly leaning her head on Bellamy's arm.

"Hey, what else are friends for?", Bellamy smiled warmly.

Lexa chuckled at his response, almost a scoff.

"Listen, you can't tell anyone about the whole 'I've known Clarke my whole life' thingy. I'll tell the others about my parents and all but not Clarke, not yet.", Lexa stated anxiously, her tone authoritative and her hands movements rapid.

"I won't. This information is purely yours to disclose, not mine. If I were you I'd probably find a way to tell Clarke everything before Thanksgiving break.", Bellamy said playing with the strap of his watch absentmindedly.

"Why so your sister can win the bet?", Lexa raised an eyebrow.

"No, the sooner the better. What bet?", Bellamy's face masked confusion.

"Octavia says Clarke and I are going to end up together before Thanksgiving break. Raven thinks it'll happen later. 50 dollars on the line."

"Oh god!", Bellamy laughed clutching his stomach.

"That's so mean! I mean my feelings are on the line here, gosh!", Lexa laughed along as Bellamy took her empty coffee cup, setting it on the side.

"It's unethical where it stands but O never loses a bet. Her predictions are  
A+", Bellamy looked over, seriousness in his tone as if he warned Lexa.

"Damn.", Lexa sighed exasperated.

"Okay so, ten minutes more we sit out here and then go back in. Till then, let's describe colours."

"Colours?", Lexa confirmed.

"Yes. You first. Red. Go!", Bellamy snapped his fingers excitedly.

"Uh, I need a second.", Lexa's concentrated glare stared into distance.

Her conscience telling her that Bellamy mocked her with that choice of colour first as it somewhat was the colour of Clarke's dress tonight. Lexa blocked the voice in her mind away immediately.

 _"Well, okay, red._  
 _It's the colour of danger, colour of a hectic rush._  
 _The colour of adrenaline pumping through your veins when your heart's had enough._  
 _It's the colour when you kiss her and you still want more._  
 _It's colour of her lips when she's seductive in a sense, the colour of her dress when you dip her on the dance floor._  
 _Red, ha, Red is the colour that fills the room when you fight, it's the only colour you're blindsided by._  
 _And...when she leaves..."_ , Lexa paused taking a deep breath.

"HURRY UP FINISH IT, THIS IS AMAZING.", Bellamy yelled excitedly not being able to handle the suspenseful aura in the atmosphere.

 _"When she leaves, it's the colour that fades and no longer prevails. It's the fright in your voice when you think of how one day you might not hear her laugh or have her by your side._  
 _It's the colour that vanishes in your knuckles when your fists clench to have to watch her kiss somebody else. It's dark, it's dangerous, it's **Red**."_

Lexa finished and looked over to her friend, who was gaping at her.

"Phenomenal description, Lexa.", Bellamy exclaimed, impressed. His eyebrows raised in surprise and amusement. Lips in a thin line.

"Well, I try.", Lexa said blowing air into her palms and rubbing her hands together for warmth. The temperature seemed to have dropped lower as the night progressed.

"I know what you are.", Bellamy whispered. A cigarette decorating his lips.

 _"A vampire_?", Lexa chuckled at the cliche twilight reference.

"An enigma."

"Oh well, aren't we all in our own way?", Lexa replied cockily.

Taking his comment as a compliment she pulled out the cigarette from his mouth to put it between her lips, taking a puff.

Breathing in and out the brunette could only smile to herself sadly, questioning her bad luck or her unfortunate fate. The voice in the back of her mind screamed

Loving her is **Red.**

 **A/N: so guys, I would love reviews on this its my personal favorite so let me know what you think !**


	15. Afraid

"Hey, Lexa, look!", Clarke exclaimed excitedly, standing beside the fruit stand in the supermarket.

"Clarke, please. Don't do that.", Lexa hissed looking around, shaking her head as a small smile tugged on her lips.

"It's funny.", the blonde stated giggling as she kept back the watermelons she put in front of her chest jokingly.

Walking over to Lexa, she asked.

"Where are the others?"

"Hmm..somewhere.", Lexa replied unsure, looking around the huge store.

"What chips should I get?", Octavia yelled from across the aisle.

"Pringles and Lays!", Lexa replied instantly raising her eyebrows.

"I'll go pick the flavours. Get ice cream.", Clarke told Lexa and walked off heading to Octavia.

Lexa walked over to the frozen items section to find Anya.

"I got ice cream already.", Anya smirked reading Lexa's mind.

"How'd you know?", Lexa gaped.

"I can read minds.", Anya played the gullible girl.

"Pfft, yeah right.", Lexa chucked, her mind actually taking it into consideration that Anya could read minds. Lexa added another conatiner of Cookies & Cream ice cream to the cart that swung in Anya's hand.

"Okay, fine. I can lip read. Saw Clarke telling you.", Anya smiled defeatedly.

"That's cool. I've tried that. Very difficult.", Lexa shook her head disappointed at her bad lip reading skills.

"We should head back to campus now. Don't want to cross curfew and end up like Magnus and Alec.", Raven turned to Anya and Lexa who stood at the cashier.

"Where are those two idiots?", Anya sighed flipping her phone out of her pocket to call Octavia.

Suddenly loud shrieks of familiar voices and a bang caused everyone to rush to the location.

Raven, Anya and Lexa ran to the small crowd that gathered at the corner of the Cereal aisle. Various boxes of different lengths and sizes all toppled off, the shelf shaking threatening to fall but it didn't.

" _You guys are worse than twelve year olds!_ ", Raven exclaimed annoyed as she pulled Octavia out of the heaps of cardboard boxes.

"Uh, thanks for helping me.", Clarke deadpanned.

"The ladies in aisle 10, Please leave the store effective immediately any further damage will be charged upon. Thank you.", a robotic voice spoke all around the speakers in the superstore.  
Causing the girls to earn a few bitter glares from customers nearby.

Anya sighed and walked over to Clarke, helping her out of the shopping cart.  
Clarke's gaze shifted to Lexa who stood with her arms crossed.

"Don't judge.", Clarke stuck her tongue out referring to the part where she chose to sit in and get pushed around by Octavia in a trolley.

"You're a dork.", Lexa chuckled, shaking her head, carrying the bags from the counter and walking out.

"Chill out, please. We never intended for it to get out of control.", Octavia apologised to Raven, turning her head to look at Clarke and then back to Raven.

Lexa and Anya exchanged glances stifling a laugh. Clarke walked silently, her fingers firmly dug into her jean pockets.

"You guys are so mean. I even got a boo-boo.", Clarke said frowning at Anya and Lexa as she extended her arm.

"Good.", Anya and Lexa said in unison which caused them to burst into laughter.

Raven shook her head, laughing, giving in that her friends are a pain in the ass.

"Okay so, have you guys ever experienced what it's like to be high?", Clarke asked giggling taking a swig from the alochol bottle.

"No.", Lexa, Octavia and Raven shook their heads chucking.

Lexa took a handful of Pringles and stuffed them in her mouth lazily.

"Whaaaaaat? ...Never?", Clarke gaped smiling. Sitting up on Raven and Octavia's dorm room floor. The 4 of them sprawled taking turns drinking.

"Have you?", Lexa raised an eyebrow as she looked at Clarke.

"Nah, I've been around people who do it. Not exactly a pretty sight.", Clarke waved her hand.

It was Friday night and the 4 of them enjoyed each other's company as the guys had gone to a video game arcade an hour away.

"I've had friends do it too but I never took a step on it, wanted to.", Octavia rested her head against the end of the bed.

"You should do whatever the hell you wanna do!", Clarke spoke way to enthusiastically pointing her index finger in Octavia's direction.

"Oook?", Octavia laughed.

"Let's get to the important part of this gathering, shall we?", Raven said clinking the bottle in her hand with her nails.

"Details of yesterday. Spill it." , Octavia demanded referring to Clarke's date with Will.

"It was just a date. Same old, same old.", Clarke looked down, shaking off the subject.

"Did he do something? Did he say anything bad or?", Raven furrowed her eyebrows as the mood suddenly dropped.

"No, no. Will was good to me. It was just a typical date. The restaurant, the same recycled talks. Nothing felt new. So like I went along with it.", Clarke fumbled with her hands.

"Ohh, that's not so bad.", Octavia encouragingly nudged Clarke. Trying to lighten the situation. Looking over to Lexa to hint her as to console.

"Y-yeah that sounds fine.", Lexa gulped unsure of what to say next.

Clarke grabbed the bottle out of Raven's grip, shocking everyone for a few seconds as she chugged.

"Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm not built for love.", Clarke slurred.

"Don't say that-", Octavia started.

"No.", Clarke replied sternly.

 _"The problem lies within me. I'm a idiot who always wants more. I'm never satisfied. I don't deserve nice things."_ , Clarke sighed.

"I'm going to text Will to ask him what happened last night.", Raven gritted.

"You don't have his number.", Clarke chuckled _mockingly._

Raven scowled in defeat.

"I do.", Lexa whispered to Raven.

"We kissed. And I didn't feel anything.", Clarke spoke bringing everyone to a halt.

"Oh", Octavia said her mouth forming a round shape.

"Yeah. I don't know, it's weird but like not weird. I didn't feel anything so I was disappointed. I mean when you kiss someone you're supposed to feel like there's mice in your stomach and all that, why didn't that happen?" Clarke slurred half her words as she laid on the ground.

Lexa slowly extended her hand to grab onto the bottle, weak in Clarke's grip. Clarke reacted quick at first, shooting a death glare in the direction of the familiar hand and then her gaze softening when it shifted to Lexa's bright green worried eyes.

She could see the nervousness that arose in her as her fingers wrapped around the bottle, gently tugging it away from Clarke.

"You've had enough."  
Lexa whispered pulling the bottle away.

And as much as Clarke wanted to protest to it, she didn't cause in the back of her mind she knew Lexa was right.

"Am I a bad person for putting my own feelings before anyone else's?"  
Clarke gulped looking around. Guilt shining across her face.

"Not at all. I do that all the time. Saves time and energy and keeps me in a better mood." Raven winked playfully but her tone was serious.

A knock on the door sent the girls into a frenzy of hiding the alcohol bottle and sitting up properly.

"Come in.", Octavia gritted tensed as she looked around to make sure everyone was presentable, except for Clarke, poor soul looked like a homeless kitten drenched sitting at the corner of a sidewalk.

The door parted and Anya entered, a pen and a few sheets of paper in her hand.

"Oh, it's just you.", Raven smiled thankfully. Relief coming upon them as they thought they almost got caught by a official.

"Hi, so, I've got forms to sign up for kickboxing. The College saw my certification from last summer when I learnt kickboxing and now they want me to open a club and encourage girls to join. It's also good for self defense purposes. I was wondering if you any of you would be interested.", Anya finished, hopefully, looking around.

"I would do it but I've got a lot on my plate already. Plus, Sinclair wants me to tutor five students in our class. Sorry." Raven scrunched up her face.

"Oh, it's okay.", Anya smiled and turned to the rest.

"I'll think about it.", Octavia replied unsurely.

"No, that's violent. I don't like violence.", Clarke slurred covering her face.

"What? That's not violent-", Anya defended but got cut off by Lexa.

"Don't mind her, she's wasted. Hand it over. I wanna sign up." Lexa smirked.

"Ohh, that's okay and great. Here.", Anya's face lit up as she hurriedly handed the documents.

Lexa filled out the form and Clarke lazily sat herself beside her watching the pen scribble across the paper rapidly.

"Your handwriting is nice."  
Clarke giggled.

"Thanks, skittles."  
Lexa smiled sheepishly. Reminiscing back to when Clarke was drunk before.

"You'll never let that go, will you?", Clarke questioned.

"Nope. Never.", Lexa mocked with a playful expression.

"Here. Done.", Lexa handed the paper back to Anya. Excited about joining the club.

"See you on Monday, 7th period."  
Anya clicked the pen shut and happily walked out.

"Lexa we have Math in 7th period."  
Raven reminded.

"Oh fish sticks..", Lexa cursed running her fingers through her hair as Octavia and Clarke burst into laughter.

"FISH STICKS, BITCH, REALLY?"  
Octavia laughed heartily, her hands clutching her stomach.

"Too strong is a curse for me unless I'm angry." Lexa shrugged.

"I wonder what makes you angry."  
Raven held a questioning look in her eyes.

A lot of things.

"Depends."  
Lexa answered tight lipped.

"Lex, can we go to our room? I'm tired." Clarke yawned and tugged on Lexa's sleeve like a child.

"I like sober Clarke better. A drop of booze in the system and she's desolate and angry."  
Octavia mumbled annoyed and got up, advancing towards the bathroom.

Lexa felt hurt as if that remark was made towards her, but it wasn't. Clenching her jaw as to chew away the bitter words she could have said to Octavia she glanced at Clarke. Clarke was too drunk to care. She stood by the door.

"See you guys tomorrow. Thanks for letting us crash here.", Lexa smiled at Raven.

"Anytime. Today was fun.", Raven shook her head laughing at the supermarket incident.

"How come we aren't that drunk?", Lexa squinted looking at Raven.

"Your girl chugged, remember?", Raven smirked.

Lexa blushed at Raven's description. So much for being told that. She turned on her heel to walk towards the door. Guiding Clarke out as they silently walked to their dorm room.

Lexa unlocked the door open and walked in with Clarke following her back and shutting the door.

Lexa cleared her messy books off her bed and turned to see Clarke leaning against the door. Her back facing Lexa and her head rested upon the solid doorframe that somehow still reeked of fresh polish, she stood.

"Clarke?", Lexa called out worriedly.

 _Clarke didn't reply._

Lexa bit her lip anxiously and took a few steps towards Clarke. Approaching her from the back each hand rested upon a shoulder. Lexa turned Clarke's body towards her.

"What are you doing?", Lexa whispered confused.

"I'm just..scared.", Clarke gulped.

Lexa's expression held a peculiar vibe that come off her. What did Clarke mean?

"I build all these homes, in whichever person I meet, I build a home. A safe place, a getaway. I don't understand, Lex. I do everything I can to not make things go wrong but they always leave. People leave me. I-I'm so scared of who to trust next with what I truly feel.", Clarke whispered breathlessly, her hands trembling and her voice shaky.

Lexa wished she could console the broken girl that shattered in front of her but she was astonished herself.

"Hey..listen to me. You need to calm down, okay? Count backwards. From 10.", Lexa said authoritatively yet slowly.

"10..9..8...", Clarke closed her eyes and counted as Lexa pulled Clarke's hand to sit her on her bed.

After a few moments of silence and Lexa agonising whatever just occurred she heard Clarke speak again.

 _"My grandmother died when I was in grade four. We were close, yeah I loved her. Her death destroyed our family in the emotional sense. Damaged. A year later, my grandfather too passed away. I was too traumatised to function. I was watching a movie with him when his heart stopped. It wasn't a heart attack, it was just his heart. It just stopped beating. I wasn't the same after that, haven't been. Death changes you. I had one friend in third grade, you know the Lexa I told you about? She just disappeared. Never showed up to school the next normal day and I waited. Is it bad that I still wait?",_ Clarke questioned turning to Lexa.

Lexa was speechless, tears stained her cheeks when she didn't even know how they spilled out.

"Don't cry, silly.", Clarke sniffled chuckling.

"Clarke, I-"

"You're sorry?"

"Yeah but-"

"I know. I've heard it. All the pity. It's the same. I've been alone. My grades dropped, barely had any friends. College seems like a miracle for me. I can't believe I actually have you and Raven, Octavia, Anya..everyone else. So many people. I wonder how long you guys will take before walking away from me.", Clarke chuckled mirthlessly.

In that moment Lexa wanted to tell Clarke everything. Everything of how she's been here all along and that her wait is over but she knew it couldn't be like this. It had to be when Clarke was fully sober to make a clear decision and be able to process it. Lexa tightly pressed her lips shut after a deep breath.

"You should sleep, Clarke.", Lexa said avoiding her gaze and walking over to her own bed.

"Yeah, you're right. Goodnight Lexa.", Clarke said as she lay.

"You're not changing?", Lexa asked looking at Clarke's outfit.

"Not today, Satan. Not today.", Clarke smiled at the ceiling fan.

"A simple no would have been fine.", Lexa chuckled walking to the bathroom.

"Common is boring, Lexa!", Clarke called out her voice muffled as Lexa shut the bathroom door.

Lexa looked at herself in the mirror.  
Clarke's words playing in her mind, Common is boring, and she realized that it really was. The reason why we crave change is because after a while even that change becomes routine and doesn't keep its variety.

As much as change intrigued me, it scared me too. I was afraid of what might come next.

Feedback = motivation


End file.
